So much to do and so little time. This is how I have been feeling this last month. Work has been very busy and I have traveled to Charlotte, Delaware and NYC. My good friend’s wedding is also quickly approaching as well and as my belly grows I am reminded of the need for bridal shower arrangements and dress alterations all the while trying to get the nursery together and plan for Emerson’s arrival. I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed I must admit.
Tuesday I hit the mark of 30 weeks and felt a wave rush over me. Well past the halfway mark and only weeks remain until I get to meet my new baby boy Emerson. With Brenton I planned and planned and planned some more how I wanted his birth to go. I wanted a natural unmedicated delivery in a hospital with a midwife. I read books and watched movies and I felt very prepared and confident in my choice. Then at 39 weeks and ultrasound revealed he was likely over 10 pounds and everything changed. I was told it would be a scheduled c section.
I was very upset and mourned the loss of the birth I envisioned for Brenton. I was most concerned about my ability to mother an infant after major surgery, but luckily most of my fears were unfounded. I had a smooth recovery and was able to do everything I wanted after delivery for the most part. I will not lie about it and say it was not difficult. I missed those first moments that he spent off with his father getting checked out. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to be with him every moment and that was not possible. Even with my legs numb as I was stitched up, I contemplated running after them as he was wheeled away to the nursery.
Tuesday was the growth scan and I anticipated the news that Emerson was even bigger than Brenton was at this marker in the pregnancy. Much to my surprise he is well within normal ranges and is around 78 th percentile. Until now I had no birth plan other than we will see how big he is and then go from there which meant to me I would probably end up with another c section. The possibility that Emerson and I could avoid a surgical birth is astonishing to me. I realized I still really want to avoid surgery especially this time with Brenton being so energetic and the recovery from surgery is rough even for a determined person such as myself.
The new midwife I met for the first time reviewed the ultrasound results with me was very positive about my desire for a VBAC. Everyone else wears doubt on their faces as we discuss my situation. Bridget was positive as was her student Mary Ann. Both were reassuring that everything was normal and we would just keep an eye on his growth but that everything looked very good. The word normal was used frequently. Bridget has had three big babies, so her words somehow hold more weight. Also for the first time she explained things in a way that made me feel like a person as she measured my growing belly. She smiled a lot. She was warm in an energetic positive way. I felt refreshed.
I still must admit there is a huge fear inside me that if I get my hopes up I will be disappointed if I end up with another c section. I am almost afraid to plan anything at all, but I also want to be prepared and it has been over two years since I got myself ready the first time around. There is a group called ICAN and I want to go to the meeting and talk to other women about all of this. I am very emotional about it and I need to find a way to embrace and still manage the emotions I have surrounding the upcoming birth of my second son.
No matter what happens or how Emerson arrives, each year on the day of his birth I will tell him the story that will be truly ours. I tell Brenton his story as well because it is unique to us. All birth should be celebrated regardless of if it is a natural unmedicated birth at home or in the hospital or with an epidural or after an induction or via c section. Each story is different and unique. No woman I have ever spoken with on the matter has the same story or the same emotions surrounding their experience which also vary each time they deliver another child.
So here I am at 30 weeks finally thinking about his birth in a new way and realizing with additional clarity that at some point within the next 12 weeks I will meet my second son. My Emerson, who will take a new special place in my life and my heart. I am so excited to meet you!
