Sunday, November 16, 2014

Grateful

A few days ago I heard a news story that a young woman age 32 passed away from cancer.  I did not know her but she was on television and I watched parts of her life because it was reality television. She seemed to lead a very interesting full life and in many ways has seen and done many more things than I will likely ever do.

Still it haunts me. Her death. The thing that strikes me is she was not married and did not have children. She mentioned wanting that at some point and when I was watching my two boys giggle at each other making silly faces I welled up with tears at the fact that I am so very lucky to experience these moments with my boys.

Lately I have been struggling with a loss of self that many parents of small children go through. I don't really sleep well. I don't see my friends too much. My husband and I don't get to go out on dates anymore. Still I am reminded how lucky I am.

I am alive. I experience motherhood on a daily basis in all its puke and poop filled glory. In all the tears and tantrums and very unglamorous moments where you hope no one is watching you shove the kids in the car mumbling under your breath or are on the verge of collapsing in a heap yourself after another toddler fit over attempting to pee on the potty.

All of this is erased when I think about the blessings of seeing their faces look at me or my husband or their grandparents or each other adoringly. Being pregnant and having them live with me for 9 special months. I got to experience it all with them.

Now I have bath time when they laugh and splash. There is that time on the couch watching television covered in small children so engrossed they forget they have their foot on your face. When they tug your arm and ask for some juice or a snack and you know you will get that special smile when you hand them the item of their desire.

When they clap. When they look up at you with sleepy eyes after nursing before bedtime. Rocking them. Washing their hands. Wiping their noses. Getting them dressed.

That look of surprise. That smile. That laugh. That voice. Those words only they say in the way only they say them. It is all priceless. Those moments with your children that everyone who has them gets but are unique in their own ways and no one would trade.

Looking at the lives of others is relatively meaningless when you compare yours to theirs. Every once and a while you get the privilidge of looking in the mirror at your own life and being pleasantly surprised. For all the pain and disappointment in the world I am incredibly lucky. Each moment I have is so precious. Nothing strikes me in my heart more than the fact that I am just incredibly grateful for all of it each and every day.

Big Rawr!

As Halloween approached I asked Brenton what he wanted to be. His response...big rawr. This is code for dinosaur his new favorite thing. He can say dino but why say that when big rawr is so much more fun?

Of course this was Emerson's first Halloween so he went as little rawr to match his big bro. I was lucky enough to snag a triceratops costume on my online yardsale site to go with the T Rex Rolston obtained for Brenton. They were quite the cute little pair.

He sure was excited and when Brenton really had an understanding of the candy aspect of trick or treating he was all for it. We worked tirelessly on the perfect way to say trick or treat. Usually he just said trick or the word treat. Can you blame him? I can't. He was the sweetest T Rex I had ever seen except on Halloween.

After so much excitement and even a trial run at the local library in his Elmo costume with his father the sith Lord and little yoda, he cried when it was time to put on the costume we had to hide so he wouldn't wear it out before the big day. He did not want to be a big rawr not anymore. Instead he wanted to throw himself on the floor and cry.

Well somehow I got the costume on him and he did not want to wear the hat and he did not want his brother to wear his hat either. He did not want candy he did not want anything. He definitely did not want me to take any pictures.

After all the fuss we decided maybe we should scrap it and then in that moment as if it was magic I said once more are you sure you don't want candy. It was if I had flipped a switch and the light bulb went on. He put the hat on and got his bag and said simply "yes tandy". I said I wanted to take a picture and he agreed as long as I promised there would be candy.

We set off and the first few houses there was no luck and Brenton gave me the side eye. No one was home and there was no candy. Then we ran into the neighbors we had not yet met and they have two boys. Older boys who were also very excited about candy. They were so sweet to Emerson and to Brenton as well.

It was about 3 more houses up the street when the candy promise was confirmed and then Brenton began to run with the older boys. This was quite clearly the best night of his young life so far. I have never seen such a big smile in his eyes as he ran past me to get to each new door.

Still in all the excitement he was sweet and kind. He tried to give some candy to his brother. Occasionally he was slightly frightened by the large inflatables some have on their lawns. He was brave and mostly pushed past the small fear all for the candy.

Then we made the loop back to the house and the younger neighbor boy asked to take Brenton with them to grandma's house. We said our farewells and told Brenton he could have some of his candy when we got home. He buzzed with excitement. It was time!

We spilled the bag on the table and showed him his haul. He carefully selected 4 pieces.  Kit Kat his favorite and 3 others twix, snickers and some skittles. It was such a fun night after the slow miserable start.

I was so happy watching them both still in their dino costumes minus hats and gloves. Emerson content chewing on his teether and Brenton so happy with his candy. He looked at me he was eating his kit kat and smiled and said "tandy big rawr tandy". Yes big rawr it is all for you!