Three Months with my Three

Oh how the time does fly. People say that to me all the time and I believe them. Because no time has gone quite so quickly as the last three months with my three.

I am nearing the end of my 14 week maternity leave. I can't believe it's almost over and I go back on Monday. I am not sure I am ready but ready or not here I come. It is time and as the breadwinner I will never get to ask the question if I can stay with them full time. Just like when Harper arrived and suddenly I stopped working now suddenly I will be back working. Transitions can be difficult but necessary.

I remember when she was born there were times when the days melded together into some sort of amalgam. One long day that was a haze of nursing and sleepless nights and naps and daylight and darkness and maybe a few tears. After about a month or six weeks that subsided and the haze lifted somewhat and the new normal began to emerge.

Then there is some sort of routine to it all a routine that will change dramatically on Monday when I return to work. My husband will take the reigns again. I reassure myself that I'm ready for this but something tells me deep down I will miss it in ways I can't fathom yet even though I have done this twice before.

I am a task master. I need to complete daily activities and feel a sense of accomplishment. My job has always given this to me. When I take my maternity leave this fades away. The demands of the child take precedence over my needs. Sometimes honestly I'm left feeling lonely and anxious because I don't have my routine.

At times I created tasks for myself. Clean out a closet donate items to Goodwill. check. Clean up the mud room hang up the coats put the shoes in the bin. Check. Do the laundry fold the clothes put clothes away. Check. But none of this was really taking care of myself in a way that mattered. Still it was self care because for me this made me feel more stable during a very uncertain time.

I love my time with my children. I also love my time working. They challenge me in very different ways. I'm grateful for the lessons that they teach me. The truth is I'm better when I'm busy not burning the candle at both ends but busy.

I want to make the most of this life. I want my kids to see me be successful in all endeavors. And certainly that's not exactly possible but I will give it my all. And I will make time for them. I will make quality time for them.

It's true that with three children it is much harder than it was with one or two to find that quality time in a day. Someone always needs something or wants something. It isn't easy when I have to tell somebody no. I'm getting much better at it and they are probably better for it and so am I.

These last 3 months I've been able to do so many things  that I am not ordinarily able to do.  I take Brenton to school in the morning. I watched him walk into school. I watched him say hello to his friends and his teachers. He asked me to drop him off so he could walk the rest of the way into the building on his own. We read together. We drew pictures together. We played with play dough. We built letter boxes and made sentences. We did our nails with sparkly glittery color street nail strips that made us smile.

I waited for the bus with Emerson. For most of this time it was cold and we had to stay in the car with one another. We danced and listen to music. He really likes the song all the stars from Black Panther. Would I have gotten a chance to know this without this maternity leave? He can almost write his whole name. For month it was just an E and now he is making a near perfect R and traces the alphabet too. He turned 4 and we had a power Rangers/Cars party. We had to teach him how to be gentle with his sister. He didnt need his gate anymore. I put him to bed and he greeted me and sat with me while I pumped milk in the morning.

We went on a family vacation to Cape May. We visited my parents who have moved closer. Twice. My mother turned 70. Rolston and I celebrated 11 years of marriage and he got his first pedicure. We went to breakfast with Harper. We watched comedy specials together and laughed. Hard. We actually talked. We had time to get reacquainted as the people we are now because times have changed and so have we and in the busy times we just dont have the time to stop and ask questions about how we see the world.

Maternity leave is generally about getting to know the newest baby. But in my case it gave me the opportunity to do so many more things with the boys and Rolston too. We all got to know each other better. I took Emerson to the Nature Center we planted plants while Harper slept in her sling. I took them to swim lessons. I watched them become proficient without floatation devices. We played. We watched movies at home and in the actual movie theater. They built me towers out of legos and told me tales of Voltron and Power Rangers and Transformers. They snuggled me and gave me kisses.

Harper grew and grew and was so so loved. From a tiny baby ball of mush into a smiling engaging wonderful happy girl that she is today. Still smelling sweet like babies do but changing almost by the day. I have taken so much joy in shopping for her adorable girly pink and purple clothes and taking her out with me and watching her watch everyone. She coos. She was a champ when she got her 2 month shots. She made me think while I watched her nap when the boys were at school in the morning.

Mornings gave me time to think about so many things. During those naps I thought about who I wanted to be as a mother.  I'm not sure I ever considered that before in a meaningful way. It was a gift.  I will be able to do this more effectively even when I go back to work. I can think about ways to do things better or differently. I thought about what I want for them and how to be there for them. I thought about how I want them to know me and remember their childhood. I thought about how to be my best self for them and even thought about practical everyday needs.

After some struggles with behavior at home we set up a reward system for the boys. They earn stars when they complete certain chores or when they do good deeds. It provides them with a sense of achievement much like how my job does that for me. Instead of spoiling them with the latest toy of their dreams, I make them work for it and it means more to them in the end. So I'm grateful for this time to take a step back and apply some of the things that I've learned.

So this time has probably made me better. Yes it has been a tough transition and the tears were not always just from the kids. But with each tear was a new awareness emerging about myself. I know more about what I need and want.

I can figure out how to move forward through the fog and anxiety. It will not be easy. Raising children is hard. Being a wife is hard. Life itself is hard. It is complex but there is beauty in it all.

I am extremely grateful that I had this time to take that in whether I was always aware of it or not. And some days were squandered by keeping myself surface busy and others taken full advantage of each moment breathing it all in. I will hold these days in my heart and in my memory as the time our family was finally complete and I got to spend three months with my three.

Harper

Early on the morning of February 12 we left for the hospital while it was still dark. Papa and GiGi would get the boys off to school and as usual Aunt Monica would make the trip with us. It was a wonderful day the day we would meet you our early Valentine...our Harper!

We arrived and parked and walked back to maternity triage and checked in. It was a painless process of insurance info and other details. Then it was goodbye for now to Aunt Monica who would patiently wait while I got squared away before the move up to the OR.

There were blood tests and monitors and other things to keep me distracted and the nerves at bay. The nurses chatted with us about you and your brothers. I am not sure how many times I said your name and their names that day but I was feeling so happy. I knew you would be here soon to make our family complete.

We moved to the OR waiting area and Aunt Monica came with us while they wheeled me up. It was good to see her one more time. She is my touchstone and the one who knows everything about me. And she will know everything about you and your brothers too.

A few hugs and kisses and we were in the new waiting area with visits from doctors and signing papers and Daddy put on his scrubs. This was it. We were almost ready. Then after a short walk to the OR they tried and tried to give me the spinal.

It hurt. It hurt on the left and then the right. It burned it was sharp then they had to try again and again. It just wasn't working. I was anxious and afraid. They brought in Caitlin who was there when Brenton was born. She is and always will be my favorite midwife! She made me feel calmer. She made me laugh through the tears.

Finally they brought in someone else to try and a free 2 more tries it was done and they laid me down and Caitlin brought Daddy into the room. Dr. McCullentalked to me and so did Caitlin and told me that it was almost time and they could see you and you had so much hair. Then you emerged and I heard you cry and I cried. They dropped the drape and I saw your beautiful body and your face and I reached for you. I was filled with joy. You were just perfect.

I watched them take you over and Daddy wemt with you while they cleaned you up. They weighed you and checked you and confirmed what I knew...you were perfect. As they finished up and stitched me back together all I wanted was to hold you. We took our first family picture and then Daddy brought you to recovery to wait for me.

You were sleepy and when they laid you on my chest you inched your way to nurse for the first time. You were perfect. Your warm body against me is a feeling I felt with your brothers, but this would be the last time and it was special. That instant bond of love and admiration for my new child. It is truly miraculous how your heart can burst from an overwhelming feeling of love.

Daddy and I talked about how fast you arrived and how happy we were and how grateful we were and I suddenly noticed I could feel my toes. They took vitals and monitored you and we were both doing well. Before I knew it we were moving again.

We got to the room where we would spend the next few days getting to know each other. Aunt Monica held you and cried. She was so happy to meet you. She brought you presents and balloons. We kept telling each other how beautiful you are.

After a few hours and more nursing and more vital checks and more cooing over you your brothers arrived. Emerson was completely taken by you. He loved you with his big Emerson love right from the start. Brenton was a bit nervous being in the hospital but he was also smitten. My heart was so full watching you together. GiGi held you and Poppie held you and everyone was just thrilled to meet you.

It was one of the very best days of my life. Once again I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. It was the day our family became five. The day Brenton was certain we could form Voltron. The day we were filled with happiness and awe for the tiny being that came into our lives and made us complete.  That was you, our one and only Harper!

The Last Baby

In these last few weeks I have been paying special attention to the small things. Even the things that are on the list of undesirable things that no one talks about, and that you yell at your best friend who had a baby first for not telling you abput, are somehow noteworthy. Admittedly I am one of the lucky ones who has good pregnancies with no major nausea or ailments but now this is officially it, my last baby.

As her popping bubbles turned to tickles and flutters and the flutters turned to flicks and pokes and bumps and the bumps turned to waves and rolls and stretches that occasionally stole my breath, now I wonder if I will remember when they are all gone. I love this feeling. The feeling of life is nothing less than amazing.

I remember the first time I had an acute awareness of the inportance of it all. Also my awareness in my role as well. I turned to Rolston and said...hey I am like a host. He said sternly, "Never say that again." It was in that moment I realized how foreign it is to him and how natural it felt to me all at once.

At this point I am still not allowed to refer to myself as a host but he loves to feel the movement of our babies in my belly. He smiles as he speaks muffled sentences of adoration into my stomach. When she kicks his face he smiles and laughs. This is my favorite thing and I realize the moments are limited and so I find ways to initiate these interactions as much as possible.

I sit and try to focus on the movements so I will remember. Even feeling my hips as they seem like they might actually snap in two like a wishbone on that first step after I have been sitting for a bit too long. The heartburn that wakes me. That kicked in the crotch feeling that only a pregnant woman understands. Resting things on the big huge belly and rubbing it for no real reason. These are the moments I cherish.

When Brenton and Emerson ask me about their sister my heart melts. Brenton is smitten and kisses my belly and says goodnight to his sister. He has dubbed February "Harper" month. He also likes to feel her move. Emerson is more hesitant. He has never been on his own always having had Brenton but yet he has also always been the baby. He knows it is different but can't yet say how it will be different and so he is uncertain.

I realized I am also uncertain in some ways because it is a girl and because it has been a few years. I woke up out of sleep in a panic completely confused about if babies can wear hats to sleep. It turns out Google is divided but mostly cotton hats are ok and extremely warm hats should be avoided. Also best worn for naps but not overnight.

Still I worry I have forgotten how to mother a newborn. Will I forget how to nurse her or change her? It is unlikely but the uncertainty remains so I understand Emerson and his hesitancy in many ways.

There are things that are so different from the first time around. With Brenton the nursery was completed and waiting for months. The carseat installed months in advance. Clothes washed and organized in the closet and drawers. Pacifiers and bottles sterilized but only in case of emergency. I was so nervous about becoming a mother.

With Emerson Monica and Rolston installed the carseat at the hospital since he came a bit early. The nursery was done and the clothes were washed but only semiorganized. Pacifiers sterilized and ready for immediate use. I nursed for 18 months with Brenton so I was pretty sure I knew what I was doing. Gel pads and sports bras at the ready. I felt prepared but everything was so different because he was so different.

This time I did the girly pink nursery of my dreams and that was probably the only reason is is nearly done. The carseat is new and still in the box because our old one expired. We are holding off since 3 across is tight and Brenton will be in the back in the van. The clothes are not washed. The pacifiers are not sterilized but thanks to Amazon Prime we have them. I finally got an outfit for coming home and a few options for that hospital photo shoot.

So the truth is I am ready as I can be. But as much as I cannot wait to cuddle and snuggle my sweet girl, I am also not fully ready for this to be the last of the firsts. The last first time I hear those bubbly cries. The last first time I see my husband see the baby. The last first glimpse I have. The last first latch.

I won't miss the c section recovery but it will also be the last. And the last time we bring the boys to meet their new sister in their big brother shirts. I truly cannot wait for them to see her. I can't wait to see them see her. So very many last firsts to come and I will treasure them all.

And so in these last 2 weeks I will hold onto these little moments. I will keep them all close to my heart. The last OB appointment. The last time someone asks how I am feeling and if I am ready for the baby. What will it feel like to walk into the hospital to welcome my third? A girl? How will it be different? How will it be the same? What is coming next? But for now I plan to sit back relax as much as I can and enjoy the last moments of my final pregnancy with my last baby.