One Month

It has been one whole month since our second son joined our family. The month had been full of memorable moments. I am grateful for all of it even the sleep deprivation.

First the meeting between Brenton and Emerson is something I will never forget. He came into the room took a look and stayed very far away from his new brother. He eyed him up and then progressively got closer and closer until he felt comfy with his new brother. Now he can't stop kissing him and asking to hold him. He is also very concerned whenever he cries.

Brenton is very protective of his brother. I always felt in my heart he would be this way but to see it is simply astounding . He takes my breath away with his innate kindness and caring way.

We are all finding our way as a new family of four. Dynamics do change and Brenton needs my reassurance and a few more cuddles and kisses than usual. He is also a typical two year old pushing boundaries and being difficult at times. He likes attention and likes praise. It helps if I can find ways to ask him to be helpful. He also needs consistency in his schedule and time with his dad.

Emerson's needs are far more basic but the key is balancing them with Brenton's, Rolston's and mine. There are things about Emerson that I know that make it easier to understand him. He is fussy in the evening now. He likes being swaddled. He needs his pacifier. He hates having his diaper changed and he is gassy. He also smiles in his sleep.

Rolston just needs some alone time to recharge. He gets that during Brenton's nap and at night after i go to bed. He is my rock and takes care of me when I am overwhelmed by the changes. He smooths my hair and hugs me and I am comforted.

As always I find I am at my best when we are all together in the morning. Brenton watching Zou. Emerson nursing. Rolston dozing. I feel so content surrounded by my guys. I am also partial to having time alone with Brenton and Emerson. Brenton at bedtime or in the morning feeding him breakfast or outside pushing him on the swing. Emerson napping on my chest or staring up at me after he nurses.

I love being out in the sun or sitting with the windows open. I love taking pictures and video. Going on errands as a family is a chore and a blessing at once. Driving in the car alone or with my guys listening to music also brings me joy. I am looking forward to getting a pedicure soon and maybe even a massage. Recovery this time was harder so I think I am in need of some pampering now that I feel like myself again. Mothers day is this Sunday so perhaps that will be the day.

So far we are managing fairly well. The boys make it easy. Of course we have sleepless nights and stressful moments of upheaval and it has been overwhelming. I think we have all cried out of frustration at one point or another especially when Brenton had the stomach flu one weekend.

Still I took both boys to the park and to get ice cream all on my own. All the times I doubt myself about the things I feel like I can't do I surprise myself occasionally by the small victories that bring me such happiness. I am certain it is because in similar moments of weakness I can feel exactly the opposite.

That is the crazy ride I have been on in the past month and look forward to each day to come especially while I am in maternity leave. This time is precious and I am so grateful for it. I just can't believe it has already been one whole month!

Emerson

A week ago my second son made his world debut. In dramatic fashion my water broke just as I was stepping out of the car following my friend Alison's wedding. I had been having contractions all day but they were weak and intermittent. For weeks people said how funny it would be if I went into labor at the wedding to which I responded...no it wouldn't!

Still I made it through the wedding and despite vomiting on the floor moments prior to the ceremony it was a wonderful evening. I had no idea within hours I would be holding my Emerson.

After my water broke I called Monica to come. I called my parents as well to let them know it was time and they were shocked and excited because at 38 weeks we just did not expect it. I did not have a bag packed or the carseat in the car.

Nevertheless Emerson picked his birthday. Unlike the planned birth I experienced with Brenton this was different. This was what I wanted. It was still possible I might have a vbac but either way he was coming.

When I called the midwife she said it was ok to wait to come to the hospital so I showered and we all went to bed. I was having mild contractions 6 minutes apart for 20 seconds. Nothing serious. I woke up a few times but I was starting to wonder when everything would begin.

The next day we went to the hospital and they conformed my water had broken and also that I was not at all dilated. It was clear that since my water had broken more than 12 hours ago and my contractions had stopped an d that induction was not an option that it would be another c section.

Surprisingly the news was not disheartening. I was alright because I had experienced contractions and my water breaking. I tried and so did he. Also the doctor I wanted was in call. She delivered Brenton. I was relieved.

At 3:30 everything moved quickly and we were in the OR. There was a spinal and ot was the same sterile environment where Brenton was born but I had been through this before...or so I thought.

This experience was completely different. I felt things including pain that I did not feel with Brenton. It was visceral. This was much more of what I thought birth would be. There was pulling and pushing and pressure and sounds and smells that I didn't experience before. I remember them saying his head was out and then I heard the cries and they were strong.

The drape was dropped and I saw my son. I really saw him. He was screaming and beautiful and after they cleaned him up they brought him to my chest and I held him there kissing his face and holding him close. It was perfect.

He stayed in the room while they finished up but due to some pain they had to give me something that meant I couldn't hold him any longer. That he never left me made everything ok and his father was there too. It was exactly as it should be.

In recovery he nursed. I did not have to wait and neither did he. He was a sleepy nurser and was for the next few days and still is at times.

He had his first bath right there with me and his Aunt Monica was there too so Rolston could go to Brenton and come back for the night. To experience things I missed before was simply amazing.

Then we were up in the room and we both slept. He was an angel. He was so different from his brother. I see the similarities but I also see the differences. I see differences in their personalities and their looks and especially in their birth stories. I treasure them because my boys are uniquely themselves.

I love Emerson. I love Brenton. I love Rolston. All with my whole heart. I am surrounded by my wonderful men. I am the luckiest girl in the world!

Crazy Wallpaper

Just when I think things are not hectic enough I choose to throw another wrinkle in just as we are about to meet our second son. We are buying a new house and selling our very first home. It was a whirlwind, but not a decision we took lightly. Parts of me will miss the home we took down to the studs and rebuilt. I will miss the kitchen I designed and the fixtures I picked out myself. But the truth is not matter what we leave behind it is just stuff. Where my family is, that is my home.

It is with much excitement that I look at our new house with it’s crazy wallpaper and early castle kitchen and think about all the possibilities. I look at the in law suite in the making and am grateful my children will grow up with their grandparents as a major part of their lives. The playroom that will hold all the toys that we have accumulated somehow in less than 3 years and the basement where my husband will finally have his real man cave. I see the bedrooms where my children will sleep and grow up. The home office where I will work and put my flowers and pink things to balance the testosterone by which I am surrounded. The family room where we will gather for big family holidays has plenty of space for everyone even extended family. Perhaps the most fun is the pool where we will all swim on hot summer days and the large yard for the swing set. Even the front porch where we will sit and wave to our neighbors is alluring in its possibilities.

We have never been the type of family to aspire to obtain fancy things. We like to start with good bones and build around that. It is a family tradition to renovate homes and make them our own and build our lives behind the walls we have torn down and rebuilt. That metaphor we use for improvement of ourselves and our relationships. We have come very far you see and overcome adversity individually and together. We have been so lucky, but we have worked hard on ourselves and our awareness and we are grateful for everything.

We have a long list of renovations for this new home. Here is the rundown. First and foremost removal of the crazy wallpaper. You will see from the pictures I am not lying when I say it is crazy. A friend who saw it said quite politely. “Well they certainly didn’t play it safe with that choice.” Then we will paint the walls some soothing colors. I love paint samples. I really enjoy the process of design that starts with the warmth of new paint. Next put in some new flooring in the family room and master bedroom and some new carpet on the stairs and in the upstairs hallway. Followed by reglazing the tub and shower in the main bathroom and getting a new vanity and toilet. You will see why this is a necessity as well when we reveal the mock wood 1970’s style vanity currently present.

Our fingers are crossed that we will only need a new roof and the furnace and air conditioner will hold on for many more years to come. Outside we need to extend the fence near the pool and fence in the yard and get a shed for the new and necessary ride on lawn mower. I am looking forward to leaving the boys in the house and learning to cut the lawn. An escape that will be all my own in the fresh air in our new yard.

The most important thing to my husband aside from the man cave is perhaps the basketball hoop we will install in the driveway for endless hours of fun for him and the boys. I may even get in on that action now and then. After all there was a time before I was a mom that I was quite the athlete.

Of course there are some other things we would like to do, but many can and will have to wait and that is ok because no matter what the house looks like it will be filled with love. As this new chapter begins and we welcome Emerson into our lives and we move our family into our new home, I am reminded that this journey is truly amazing and I must welcome all that comes with open arms. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world even if I do have some crazy wallpaper to remove here and there.

Warriors of Birth

In many ways this pregnancy has been different than my first and in others exactly the same. The exhaustion that arrived in the first few moments after conception and lingers throughout is consistent, but the blinding pain that hit me like lightning in my hips and thighs plagued me through the second trimester was a new experience. As are the migraines with aura that decided to make a surprise appearance around the 33 rd week.

Another constant is my love of the kicks and rolls of pregnancy. Both Brenton and Emerson do not disappoint in their abilities as movers and shakers. I was pleasantly surprised when a series of rhythmic kicks turned out to be hiccups a few weeks back. I had forgotten what it felt like and the feeling made me smile. There is absolutely nothing like carrying a new life inside you. Nothing compares even given the discomfort at times.

For me pregnancy is relatively easy and birth is hard. I am not sure if many share my sentiments given that birth for me the first time was a scheduled c section. You see it was very clearly stated to me that I would have a c section. Midwives told me this in simple terms. I would not go into labor because Brenton would be over 10 pounds and if I tried to deliver him he would get stuck and most likely have permanent injury and in the worst case scenario he could die. They showed me charts and graphs and spoke about percentages. It was incredibly frightening and even though my mother was sitting right next to me when the news was presented I have never felt more isolated and alone in my entire life.

I was resistant. I was planning a natural unmedicated birth. I knew I could do it and I was as prepared as I could have been intellectually and it was just up to nature as far as I was concerned how it would unfold, so to be told it would not happen. Well, this was devastating. I was terrified that having this surgery would put my ability to bond with my son in jeopardy. I was afraid I would be unable to mother him at all in those crucial first days.

Looking up statistics I still thought I would do it naturally despite the warnings and then after a conversation with the midwife I trusted the most, I scheduled the procedure. It was incredibly sterile in many ways. You drive to the hospital, check in and get prepped for surgery. I never had one contraction. My cervix did not dilate. There was no emergency. It was simply safer this way for my son. I was told this by so many and still I did not believe it. It just did not feel right.

To this day I am haunted by my decision and by my feelings about this surgical birth. I did not see him emerge from my body. I did not see him right away at all. I only have pictures of my sons first moments of life. I heard him cry a big bubbly cry that made my heart explode and tears and emotion spout from my body. I wanted him with me and that is simply not how it is done. The midwife held my hand and told me about him. He was big she said looked like maybe close to 11 pounds and he had lots of hair. They were cleaning him up and my husband went to him bonding with him and touching his feet. Nurses taking pictures as tears streamed from my eyes joyous and anxiously waiting for my first glimpse.

They brought him to me with sterile gloved hands and remembering something my birth instructor mentioned I gave him a big wet kiss. I touched his cheek and he was beautiful. A few more pictures quickly and he was gone and my husband as well. The shaking began soon after and I was draped in warm blankets. Occasionally I wonder if the shaking really is from the chill of the room and the surgery or if it was my body physically reacting to the need to be with my child and shaking to try and rouse me to go to him.

After I was stitched up and brought to recovery, I wiggled my toes. At that moment I remember clearly thinking that it was time for me to get up and go to him. I even grabbed the rails of the hospital bed and lifted myself slightly. Of course it would have been an exercise in futility, but waiting there with strangers trying to make small talk was absolute and total torture. Almost two and a half years later I remember it so clearly that deep understanding that it was all wrong.

The relief that came when Brenton was given to me to hold in my arms is indescribable. It may be the reason I didn’t put him down for what seemed like weeks and why we nursed for so long. My favorite place for him to be was in the sling next to my skin. Even now my favorite time together is rocking him to sleep as he clings to me.

As animals we are meant to be with our newborns. We are meant to hold them close to us. When that is missing it causes trauma to the newborn and the mother. I realize the intensity with which this trauma haunts me as I approach the birth of my son Emerson.

At 30 weeks he was in the normal range for weight and at 34 weeks is now officially a big baby just as his older brother was and I felt the dreams of a VBAC slipping away as the midwife told me to be prepared for the conversation. I simply cannot imagine going through this again the trauma of separation. It gives me a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat.

Now I am searching frantically for a doula. I need backup. I have been doing research and reading books. I know my rights as a patient and I know ACOG guidelines around macrosomia and VBAC. I also know that no matter what I want there will be certain aspects of all of this outside of my control. I also know I am afraid and emotional and that I need to do my best to make some sort of peace with myself over the possibilities in front of me.

If it comes to another surgical birth, I want the drape lowered to see my child emerge from my body. My child should be placed on my chest. We need that time together while they stitch me up and there is no real reason to have it any other way. I believe it is what is best for us both and the doctors do too. That is the difficult thing to accept. Doctors are aware of all the benefits of initial skin to skin and in the past 50 years there have been huge advances in birth, but no real advances in c section protocol. In other countries it is becoming common practice to place the baby on the chest. When I heard this I knew instantly that would change everything.

At the 34 week appointment I asked the midwife after the big baby speech if she has seen this new gentle c section procedure with the practice. She said simply no. I said without thinking well if you are there and I have a c section I might be the first patient to demand it. She balked and told me she doesn’t think the hospital will allow it. I smiled.

What most people don’t realize is that it does not really matter what the hospital allows in many cases. Patients rights are real. We can demand what we want and if the request is reasonable it should be granted. I feel a responsibility to my child and to myself and to all other women who want this as an option to do whatever I can to make it happen. Because just like there is no reason because I might have a big baby that I can’t try for a VBAC under ACOG guidelines, there is no reason if the VBAC is not successful and becomes another c section that I cannot have a different experience than the first time. This makes having a doula paramount to my success. There are so many women who are out there to help other women have the experience they want to have and are there for support if it doesn’t happen. I call them warriors of birth. They are my sisters in the struggle to reach a balance that has been slipping away.

Based on my past experience I have become a sort of warrior of birth in many ways, gaining knowledge and strength from the stories of other women along the way and spreading the word. I do not have to settle. None of us do. My emotions make me strong. Knowledge empowers. All birth stories should be respected and all women supported in their choices no matter what they may be from the woman who has a HBA2C in the woods in Lancaster PA to the woman who schedules a repeat c section at 39 weeks and everyone in between. Regardless of the final outcome in my case with Emerson’s birth, I will do all I can to fight for what I believe is the best for my baby!

30 Weeks!

So much to do and so little time. This is how I have been feeling this last month. Work has been very busy and I have traveled to Charlotte, Delaware and NYC. My good friend’s wedding is also quickly approaching as well and as my belly grows I am reminded of the need for bridal shower arrangements and dress alterations all the while trying to get the nursery together and plan for Emerson’s arrival. I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed I must admit.

Tuesday I hit the mark of 30 weeks and felt a wave rush over me. Well past the halfway mark and only weeks remain until I get to meet my new baby boy Emerson. With Brenton I planned and planned and planned some more how I wanted his birth to go. I wanted a natural unmedicated delivery in a hospital with a midwife. I read books and watched movies and I felt very prepared and confident in my choice. Then at 39 weeks and ultrasound revealed he was likely over 10 pounds and everything changed. I was told it would be a scheduled c section.

I was very upset and mourned the loss of the birth I envisioned for Brenton. I was most concerned about my ability to mother an infant after major surgery, but luckily most of my fears were unfounded. I had a smooth recovery and was able to do everything I wanted after delivery for the most part. I will not lie about it and say it was not difficult. I missed those first moments that he spent off with his father getting checked out. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to be with him every moment and that was not possible. Even with my legs numb as I was stitched up, I contemplated running after them as he was wheeled away to the nursery.

Tuesday was the growth scan and I anticipated the news that Emerson was even bigger than Brenton was at this marker in the pregnancy. Much to my surprise he is well within normal ranges and is around 78 th percentile. Until now I had no birth plan other than we will see how big he is and then go from there which meant to me I would probably end up with another c section. The possibility that Emerson and I could avoid a surgical birth is astonishing to me. I realized I still really want to avoid surgery especially this time with Brenton being so energetic and the recovery from surgery is rough even for a determined person such as myself.

The new midwife I met for the first time reviewed the ultrasound results with me was very positive about my desire for a VBAC. Everyone else wears doubt on their faces as we discuss my situation. Bridget was positive as was her student Mary Ann. Both were reassuring that everything was normal and we would just keep an eye on his growth but that everything looked very good. The word normal was used frequently. Bridget has had three big babies, so her words somehow hold more weight. Also for the first time she explained things in a way that made me feel like a person as she measured my growing belly. She smiled a lot. She was warm in an energetic positive way. I felt refreshed.

I still must admit there is a huge fear inside me that if I get my hopes up I will be disappointed if I end up with another c section. I am almost afraid to plan anything at all, but I also want to be prepared and it has been over two years since I got myself ready the first time around. There is a group called ICAN and I want to go to the meeting and talk to other women about all of this. I am very emotional about it and I need to find a way to embrace and still manage the emotions I have surrounding the upcoming birth of my second son.

No matter what happens or how Emerson arrives, each year on the day of his birth I will tell him the story that will be truly ours. I tell Brenton his story as well because it is unique to us. All birth should be celebrated regardless of if it is a natural unmedicated birth at home or in the hospital or with an epidural or after an induction or via c section. Each story is different and unique. No woman I have ever spoken with on the matter has the same story or the same emotions surrounding their experience which also vary each time they deliver another child.

So here I am at 30 weeks finally thinking about his birth in a new way and realizing with additional clarity that at some point within the next 12 weeks I will meet my second son. My Emerson, who will take a new special place in my life and my heart. I am so excited to meet you!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

As I have mentioned there are so many traditions in our family surrounding the holidays and I treasure each of them for different reasons. Now with a child I treasure them even more. This year Brenton was so excited to participate in the festivities of his third Christmas season!

Perhaps his favorite pastime was removing the ornaments from the tree and really who can blame him. They are shiny and beautiful. I strategically placed the dollar store and unbreakable ornaments toward the bottom of the tree. This was based on a warning from other mothers with toddlers older than mine. As usual they were correct and I continuously found myself saying, “Brenton, please don’t touch the tree.” But he did and really it was ok. Nothing was broken and to me that was a small Christmas miracle.

I had a grand plan to take pictures of him in his brand new outfit, but due to a shipping error and limited time it ended up as a spur of the moment session when he was in good spirits and wearing a suitable holiday sleeper. Toddlers are hard to catch so I made the most of the moment I could get him to be still long enough to capture a few suitable shots for the holiday card. I still somewhat resist the idea that anyone would like to receive a card with my child’s picture on it, but my cousins have assured me that they do in fact enjoy them and that I must continue the practice.

We skipped the visit to Santa. Next year I will make it a priority to do both a breakfast with Santa as well as a picture. Perhaps we can make that a one shot deal since we will have one more little bundle of joy to wrangle. This year just like the picture for the cards time closed in on me too quickly. I did decorate the house the day after Thanksgiving and I finally got some outdoor decorations as well. One step forward and I don’t count the backward steps to be honest.

Family Christmas with the Applegate’s on the Saturday before Christmas was just as it always is. Crazy! All the cousins and all the children of the cousins running around like little Christmas maniacs in their holiday outfits. It is loud and wonderful fun. It was also warm not just from holiday cheer and egg nog, but actually like 60 degrees. We took the family photo outside and my favorite part was that the fireman made a bonfire. It isn’t a party without a fire!

We ate too much and laughed and the children made their drawings for the scrapbook that my cousin Chris makes each year. There were gingerbread houses too. Brenton just ate icing. I mean really just ate icing. He finished half the jar before I took it away much to his chagrin. He really threw a fit so I distracted him with a cookie because I am a good parent!

It was a late night so we put him in a Santa sleeper and his cousins threw him around. They even put him in a blanket and swung him back and forth and threw him in the air. After all the presents, icing and throwing he was spent and we made the short drive home finally at 9PM well past his bedtime.

A few days later my parents arrived. I made lasagna for Christmas Eve and handed out Christmas jammies. They were footed sleepers with pockets and hoods. They have already gotten a considerable amount of use and are way better than just a snuggie.

Christmas Eve night after Brenton fell asleep in his Christmas jammies, it was time to wrap and put together the presents. Man I will tell you who knew an easel would be the most difficult item to construct. The directions seemed easy enough, but it took a heavy mallet to get the two pieces together in the middle. The rest was a piece of cake by comparison, but it was all worth it the next morning when Brenton descended the stairs and exclaimed “Oh Wow! What’s this?” in the language only we understand. He made a beeline for the Thomas the Train set and then back to the kitchen set and then over to the easel and sat in the chair at his new table. He was overwhelmed and still there was more. He opened presents from his grandparents and a few more from us and his great aunt and uncle. He was thrilled and completely spent.

It was time for the traditional Christmas breakfast. I really love the meal because there is bacon and eggs. It is a happy time of gluttony and smiles. Brenton shoved eggs into his mouth and sausage too, but his favorite was the sticky bun from the Amish market. I have recently discovered this secret to my baking conundrum… you see I hate to bake and well the Amish seem to love it, so I buy it from them. Everybody wins as they are fantastic bakers!

Then the roast went into the oven in preparation for the next holiday meal. I think eating with your family is the number one tradition for the holidays. It is a necessity. We spent the day playing with new toys and napping and waiting for the roast to be finished. It was a little over done, but live and learn and next time take it out sooner. Still there was plenty and it was pretty good. I prefer the mashed potatoes to the meat anyhow.

Early to bed and the next day it was off to the beach. Perhaps my favorite tradition of all! We returned to the same house as last year and it was fantastic as I remembered. After unloading and settling in I could feel myself finally relaxing. This is our time to reconnect and relax our way into the new year.

The mornings were spent lounging on the deck in the sun. it was surprisingly warm. Each morning my father made a meal that included pork roll. You see Costco sells it in a 6 pound roll, so we just had to. It was eggs or pancakes and pork roll and it was ok because we were on vacation!

Brenton spent the early mornings with his grandparents and we slept in. Both of us. It was heavenly! Some mornings I was actually too well rested and just laid in bed luxuriously without a toddler foot or elbow in the back of my neck. Some days I took naps with Brenton in the afternoons too. I was beginning to lose track of the days. The hallmark of a relaxing vacation.

There were additional highlights. Rolston and I had a date night and went out to dinner at the Gables where he had wild boar! We took pictures on the beach and I got some excellent footage of Brenton chasing his father. We met Jason’s new girlfriend. Carson and his friends were so sweet to Brenton and included him in their fun for a while. Just like always we had some pretty amazing moments.

For the New Year we went to Calloway’s on the mainland. They have an arcade and Brenton was enamored. He loved the flashing lights and excitement. He even won himself an ET from the machine where you drop the arm and it picks it up. I helped a little, but really it was him. He loved watching his father play the basketball game and would shout and cheer as Rolston shot basket after basket. After dinner we even went back for more and then redeemed our tickets for useless crap, but it was a total blast!

Our trip was winding down but not after I actually made it until midnight to ring in the New Year with some sparkling cider! It was the end of Brenton’s final year as an only child down the shore after Christmas. We only had one more day to lounge and enjoy before heading back home, but we sure did make the most of it.

Then we packed up the car early the next day and with the threat of a big snow storm looming we high tailed it out of there. We dropped off the keys at the realtor turned around toward route 72 and said goodbye to the ocean one last time hoping we would be back next year to make some more memories. Unfortunately, it was the end to the most wonderful time of the year!

Everything is Crazy Good!

Everything is crazy. Did I mention that? But it is the good kind of crazy. I see a clear distinction now that before did not exist. Now that I have my own child and another on the way I feel the holidays and the craziness coming and the excitement floods over me.

I know what I am in for at 20 weeks pregnant deciding to carry on the tradition of Thanksgiving at our house was perhaps a little insane. I welcomed it. I adore the traditional Thanksgiving meal and even the planning and shopping is fun for me. On Saturday Brenton and I took off for Whole foods and filled the cart with all kinds of goodies. Everything but the turkey was purchased that day. It has become a tradition to get the bird from Lee’s turkey farm. It really is delicious and worth it to support our local farmers as well.

Before things really kicked into high gear with all the prep work we had a moment to enjoy the big ultrasound and get a good look at Rolston Emerson Gaiter for the first time. I was all smiles and Brenton was running around the waiting room. Rolston was in charge of wrangling him. He was in good spirits. We went for the scan and all was going very well. Then it happened. Brenton threw up everywhere. We joked it was his way of keeping the full attention on him. Poor little guy cried a bit and then just as quickly as it happened he was over it. The good news is all was well with Emerson. In celebration we revealed the picture and the name on Facebook.

Rolston went to get the turkey that day and with my instructions he knew exactly what to do and the trip went smoothly. That evening the stuffing was made and it was delicious! I had to sneak a taste or two. It met with rave reviews and I revealed my secret. The mix was from a bag. Of course I added my own touches such as stock instead of water and adding way too much butter and 2 pounds of sage sausage and onions and celery to the mix, but it was still from a bag. The rest of the meal was made from scratch except the marshmallows atop the sweet potato casserole and I would not have it any other way.

By Wednesday afternoon I was let out early from work and we were in high gear. Rolston is my trusty potato peeler which makes the prep work much easier for me. Brenton was being helpful cleaning up the stray peels that missed the garbage can. My parents stopped by with the pies and cranberry sauce. Despite the craziness it was all very enjoyable and exhausting. Since I spent the day mainly on my feet I was exhausted and made it to bed early in preparation for the big day.

On Thursday I woke early with Brenton and we stayed in our jammies and watched Sesame Street. Then it was time to prep the turkey. Stuff some herbs and oranges inside and some butter under the skin, salt and pepper and in the oven to brown. 6 hours later voila!

I cleaned the house and set the table with Rolston’s mother’s table linens and china. I let the feelings of sadness wash over me. I also remembered her warm smile and her laugh. That we use her things to celebrate this family holiday is important to me and we will do it every year.

Brenton napped and I got ready just in time for the family to arrive. My parents, my grandmother and my brother and his family. 10 of us all together is the perfect number for me and for my dining room table! Everyone was munching on the appetizers my sister in law brought and drinking wine and root beer. It was in full swing and Brenton was being a doll with his great grandmother. She just loves him and he loves her.

Not long after the meal was ready and I carved the turkey for the first time. With a little help from everyone we were ready to eat. We said our family grace holding hands and then broke out into conversation over a good meal. I received many compliments and I must admit I do enjoy them. When we were completely stuffed the table was cleared and we sat rubbing our bellies for a bit while we made room for dessert. There has to be pie of course.

It was a wonderful meal with a wonderful family and I was so pleased to host despite all the craziness and being pregnant and my little two year old running around it was exactly what I wanted. Even in the moments I thought I might just give up and ask everyone to leave because I did have that moment. The truth is my husband kept me sane and we realized we didn’t yell at each other once. Progress despite the craziness.

After everyone left and the house was quiet I put Brenton to bed and planned my next steps for decorating for Christmas the next day. I was in bed early again and the next day was spent in my pajamas. By noon the tree was up. Rolston hung the wreaths while I wrapped the garland around the banister. While Brenton napped I decorated the tree. My parents came by again and played with Brenton while I put up my Santa collection. Memories are tied to these traditions that I love and with my family ever present it makes it so much more special and joyous and crazy.

Saturday was yet another busy productive crazy day. An early trip to obtain what I have always wanted for our front “yard”. A 6 foot spiral tree with a star and two reindeer because outside lights are just not practical in any other way. I absolutely adore them. It is just what I wanted and I set them up all by myself. There is a sense of satisfaction in that for me running extension cords and making sure everything looks just so. Then it all felt complete.

A quick trip to pick up my bridesmaid dress and to Chipotle to ensure I ate something other than the Thanksgiving leftovers I had been indulging in for the past 36 hours and I was worn out. I vegged out on the couch until Brenton woke from his nap. Next stop was the train show and the tree lighting.

My parents arrived a little before 4 and we walked to old city hall. It was magical and of course crazy. People were everywhere and the train displays were more than amazing. Brenton was so excited. He could barely contain himself pointing and shrieking. It was all too much and so on our way out he proceeded to have a full meltdown complete with collapsing on the sidewalk and refusing to get up. This continued for approximately a half hour of just full discontent. He could not even be swayed with popcorn, shoulder rides or new mittens from the consignment shop.

We moved to an open spot in the street around 5:30 hoping he could burn off some negative energy and let him run back and forth between us in the street. It was no use. He could not be happy unless he was running back and forth and it was just too crazy. We were meeting for family dinner around the corner at 6 and so we just threw in the towel and walked home while the tree remained unlit behind us.

I was very concerned that family dinner would not go well for Brenton and came prepared with the kindle, but he was surprisingly well behaved. It was the adults who were more raucous than he was. My mother took excellent care of him and made sure he had his fill of bruschetta because of course we had to get a bunch of appetizers to share and apparently he really likes bruschetta.

After yet another crazy family meal we said our goodbyes and by the time we got home Brenton was very sleepy. I put him to bed and my eyes were already beginning to shut from exhaustion as well. I made it through a movie with Rolston though despite everything and I wouldn’t have had it any other way than spending an evening just quietly on the couch in our home together decorated for the holidays after an exhausting three days together. He put his hand on my belly while Emerson kicked and rubbed my leg.

Sunday was a day of rest and relaxation finally after all the hub bub. I watched a whole movie by myself. Still Brenton decided it was a good day to refuse to nap and although he was quiet and rested after the grandparents came by for a final goodbye he was in full meltdown mode yet again. Over and over he cried and looked at me and cried and looked at me some more. The answer…stuffing and macaroni and cheese followed by a good dose of Sprout’s goodnight show.

After Zou ended I convinced him to head upstairs brush his teeth and after a few stories he was asleep in my arms. This is my favorite thing in the whole world…holding my sleeping child. He is calm and his rhythmic breathing calms me as well. It reminds me no matter what insane things happen in a day everything is good, crazy good!