Screaming

Screaming.  It’s a new thing my wonderful baby has learned to do. He is not just good at it he is amazing.  His talents far outweigh those of other babies.  He is advanced!

We head up the stairs at about 7:15 and begin our before bed routine.  Off with the clothes from the day. On with a new fresh diaper and a warm fuzzy sleeper. Next I nurse him in the rocker and when he starts to appear drowsy I put on relax and sleep. 

Baby apps are very useful for many things but this white noise miracle is important.  Nightly I give up my phone for my baby to sleep to the sounds of the rainforest, whale sounds, crickets chirping or the sound of the ocean and always a beating heart in the background. He sleeps and it allows us to watch television with the sound above ten.

This was fool proof until two nights ago when it began. The screaming. He specifically likes to start the moment I put him down to sleep. After the relax and sleep has taken hold I transfer him to his rock and play beside our bed.  We are co-sleepers and never thought we would be. I was all about putting him in the crib by 6 weeks and now he is 4 months and one week old.

The minute his angelic face touches the rock and play the eyes pop open and the screaming commences. I rock him and still it continues.  I talk to him in a soothing voice. No luck.  I pick him up and rock him in my arms and he will stop for a moment and then start again.  Turn on the magic ceiling fan and it will subside momentarily. We gave him gas drops and teething tablets and checked him up and down for something that could be causing this terrible drama. There was nothing to be found.

So I gave up.  Or should I say I gave in. I went and got some ice cream while my husband manned the fort. We were in this together now.  I put the baby in the bed and got in next to him and ate my ice cream with the TV on.  He likes to watch TV and we do not usually let him, but these were desperate times.  He calmed slightly and began rubbing his eyes.  The screaming was winding down after 2 hours.

I nursed him one more time and then he was asleep in the bed next to me.  I swore I would never bed share and that co sleeping was my limit, but honestly most of my woulds and shoulds have gone out of the window so it really was no surprise to me that this also fell by the way side.

A screaming baby will make you do things you never thought you would ever do.  I wonder if they know this and in the baby meetings they discuss how to manipulate us for their own amusements.  Clearly exhaustion plays a role as well given my musings.  I would pay him to quiet and sleep if it would work, but alas all I can do is what I can do and bribes do not work and neither does reasoning.  So I better stockpile some ice cream and get ready to bed share until this phase is over.  I hear it only lasts until he is about 10!

Guardian Angels

Brenton lost his paternal grandfather before he was born.  I was 6 months pregnant and stuck in the Charlotte airport trying to catch an early flight home to be at his deathbed with Rolston and the family.  I found a rocking chair in D terminal and sat and rocked and waited for my not so much earlier flight home.  I made it.  I said my goodbyes before he passed that night a little after midnight.  He lived a very full life to the age of 98. It was a peaceful passing and it was ok because we knew he was comforted knowing our boy was on the way and would continue his family name. There was comfort that Brenton had a very wise and loving guardian angel.

Two weeks later my beloved dog Tess got sick.  I knew it was time to say more goodbyes.  I was devastated.  She was my very first baby before I even dreamed of baby B.  I was so sad they would not get to meet each other. Tess was there for so many major milestones in my life. She was there when I moved out of my parents home into my first apartment. She was there when I graduated from college. She was there when I got engaged and then later when I got married.  She was there every day in between loving me unconditionally. I was so lucky to have that wonderful creature in my life for 14 wonderful years. Brenton gained another angel to watch over him.

Now Brenton is three and a half months old and he has lost his paternal grandmother suddenly and without warning.  This is by far the most difficult loss for all of us.  My husband was completely unprepared to say goodbye to his mother and father in less than a year.  The same year he welcomed his first born son into the world.  Bittersweet does not even begin to address the emotional impact. 

GMom met Brenton when he was born and we all spent his first Christmas Eve night together. She held him and changed his diaper and spoiled him with snuggles and kisses like all grandmothers do.  We gave her a picture of him in a silver frame. She gave him gifts and some money for something special. “Maybe a toy box,” she said.

We really did not understand that would be the last time they would spend together. It was the last time we would all spend together except for a brief visit to drop something off one day.  We believed we had much more time, but we did not.

I have spent time wishing I had taken pictures that Christmas Eve night, but I was busy enjoying the moments.  I was watching our niece play with the toys we bought her.  I was watching my husband play with her and think about the days when B is older and how exciting it will be to have the family together then.  I didn’t think for one moment about the matriarch not being present.

I know she was a good mother to her son and her son loved her very very much. I know she was a good mother because her son treats me so well. I read once somewhere that if the man in your life treats you like a princess it is because he was raised in the arms of a queen.

That she is gone is still unbelievable in it’s cold truth. Somehow we will be sure she lives in our son’s memory even though he never got to know her. He will know at first she disapproved of his father and I dating, but later supported us like no one else.  He will know she danced at our wedding with a big mother of the groom smile in a navy blue dress. He will know her kind spirit, but she also liked to gossip here and there. He will know her quirks.  He will know her strengths. He will know she was important in our lives. He will know her family history. Most importantly he will know how much she loved him and that she watches over him.

Realizations

This week has been all about giving new things a shot. Baby B spent some time outside.  It was his first time being outside in the air and sun for more than the time it takes to get from the house to the car and from the car to whatever indoor place where we were headed.  He liked it, but it was windy so it did not last too long. I decided I cannot wait for spring, so he can play outside in the grass and immediately realized we need to reseed the lawn and get our lawnmower serviced.

We tried a new position for tummy time on the couch facing out. He tolerated it far longer than the floor method. He must like the view. So we also rotated his position when he lays on the couch.  He promptly rolled onto his side from his back which made me realize we have a whole basket of toys that he was not ready to play with a few weeks ago, but we might want to check and see what he might like now. 

The ball Grammie bought for him is a big hit.  It is large and geodesic in nature and he desperately tries to fit it in his mouth although it will not fit not one little bit.  The drums he got for Christmas from his aunt, uncle and cousins are also new and exciting.  They play music on their own. He cannot push down hard enough to make sounds but he waves his arms up and down as if to play them. His father does it and he is turning into a wonderful mimic. That made me realize he might like the monkey I bought him before he was born on the day we learned our baby was a boy. He did.  He likes it better when his daddy does a funny monkey voice.

Brenton also tried some assisted sitting.  We discovered he fits perfectly in the corner of the couch and is happy as a clam just relaxing.  Next we tried sitting in the highchair.  He really enjoys sitting up watching us eat our lunches. I think he appreciates being a part of the action. We gave him a purple and pink baby spoon on his tray to play with and he wanted to grab it, but showed no real interest in using it yet.  Thank goodness because mommy is so not ready for that transition. Then I realized soon we will need to get baby friendly bowls and spoons since certainly the one solitary purple and pink spoon we got for our niece when she was young will not suffice.

Whenever we try something new with baby B it seems to lead to some type of realization that a next step is coming. We must prepare, we must try, we must do or we must remember to prepare, try or do. I realize another thing.  The truth is I am never really prepared for the next steps at least not in the boy scout sense of preparedness. I just ride the wave of trying things out and feel the ups and downs.

This is not at all how I thought it would go, but again early on I understood I needed to soften.  I had to allow for uncertainty.  Baby B’s arrival brought balance to my life even in the upheaval of such a dramatic change in my existence. I realize life will never be the same and I realized I am glad it is not.

Measuring Time

My life is now quantified in a completely different manner now. During pregnancy I measured the time in weeks.  These weeks tracked the beginning of my baby’s existence. The first few days of his life were counted in my sleepless hours watching him sleep, then measured in weeks waiting for new milestones that those baby emails promised, and now finally at three months we begin to count months.

Today he is three months old.  He is now giggling, but still no belly laughs. Yesterday he made and L sound which was new and probably more exciting to me than it was to him. He also loves his hands very much. He could stare at them all day if they are not in his mouth.

It is all about baby B’s timeline in so many ways. First it is his daily routine primarily managed by my husband. When does he eat, when does he sleep and when does he play? It is all about his schedule in the moment trying to keep track of it all.  It was a group effort helping each other determine what works best. Ultimately Brenton decides.

In his first days of life Brenton was only wetting a diaper every twelve hours.  Those hours felt like an eternity because a baby is supposed to have wet diapers and if not something could be wrong.  Thankfully all was well and finally he went and went and has never stopped going regularly.  Even now if it has been too long since the last one a poopy diaper can make my whole day. It is truly surprising and gross, but very true. Another new truth is if he is content then all is right with the world.

Spending time watching him grow and develop is fundamentally fulfilling.  Me time became far less important.  Perhaps this shift occurs with all mothers. Perhaps I worry I will miss something. I count the minutes at the end of the workday until I can see his sweet face again. When he nurses at night, minutes feel like seconds as I enjoy our quiet time together.  Hours feel like minutes as I try to capture his perfect smile on film. And a minute feels like hours as I watch the look of wonder, excitement and sometimes even confusion on his face when he is presented with something new. Time is no longer linear.

Moments are so much more important now than they ever have been in the past. Time is so precious and it goes by so quickly.  After 9 months waiting for him to arrive and now after three months of his life, that is one full year. It was a glorious year. A year I rank as my best so far. A year I will never forget.  Still it went by in a flash.

Playdate

There is nothing quite like spending an afternoon with a great friend to make me feel more balanced. As a plus she has three children and the youngest is a boy only 6 months older than baby B and a girl Izzy who is two and a half. Alex is 8 and the oldest. She is the first child that I loved outside of my family.  Today was Brenton's first playdate with them.

Watching children observe each other is such a unique experience and the intrigue on their tiny faces is so clear.  Who is this new visitor and most important do I like him?  They stare at each other and we study the reactions.

Immediately Alex is doing anything to be near the baby.  She has been waiting for this day and I enjoy her excitement in meeting him. She makes faces and when he smiles she shouts, "He smiled. I made Brenton smile."  I understand her sentiment. When he smiles for me I feel that same childlike glee.

Izzy is eating her cereal and she sees him at first from a distance.  She is prepared as she has her younger brother.  She is accustomed to sharing attention and if needed she knows how to get what she wants.  Occasionally she points at the baby and says LoLo and BeBe.  She is figuring everything out. She quickly hugs the baby and then moves on to the interesting diaper bag I brought. It contains a hairbrush and she must have it. When her mother holds Brenton she reaches for me and I bring her into my lap.  Fair is fair apparently.

It is immediately clear that the boys will like each other. Baby B is big for his age and Logan is rough and tumble. It will be a good match. I see a future for these two to be sure. They are talking back and forth in baby language.  They exchange knowing smiles. Male bonding occurs.

Until today I did not closely watch children interact because I had no vested interest in the outcome. I felt something important was happening as my son was socializing with other tiny beings.  He was certainly curious.  I did not sense fear.  He was open to them.  He was at ease and so was I.

With each new experience he has I have a new one as well seeing things through the eyes of a mother now. I remind myself to keep track and take note because these firsts will only happen once. Today was another first, the first playdate.

Be my valentine

We have already had several first holidays with our son. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve, and now it is Valentine's day. A commercialized holiday to be sure, but the central idea is important. At the heart of this day is tell those in your life how much you love them maybe even pick someone special to be your valentine. Really what could be better?

I remember as a child receiving a special gift from my parents each year.  When I reached school it was also cards from my classmates. From my boyfriend in high school who would later become my husband it was a single red rose, a card and perhaps even chocolates in a heart shaped box.

This year I returned to work on Valentine's day. It was my first day back from maternity leave and although I work from home usually I had to go into the office to have my access reestablished. Of all my Valentine's days passed it was by far the least romantic, but also the most loving.

When I arrived home my husband and son were waiting for me.  I did not get a card or flowers or even candy in a heart shaped box, but I did not need any of that.  I have everything I ever wanted and more and nothing can tell me I am loved more than the look in their eyes when I returned.

In the evening I fed my son and he fell asleep in my arms and I could smell that sweet baby smell he has. I whispered in his ear, "Be my Valentine?" He snuggled closer as if to answer yes mommy I will be your valentine. Next year he may even be able to say the word yes and the year after that he might even give me a red scribble paper and the following year something he made special for me in preschool and then a homemade construction paper heart that is perfectly imperfect. No matter how he decides to show me he loves me he will always be forever my sweet valentine!

Can you say oh?

My new favorite sound is the sound of my sons voice. When he vocalizes even small sounds it is music to my ears and if he adds his sweet smile it is enough to make me the happiest mommy in the whole wide world. When he stirs during a nap I cannot wait until he wakes so we can have one of our post nap conversations. In his baby voice it goes something like this.

"Hello there Baby B. Who needs his diapie changed? Is it you?" I ask.
"oh goo oh", he says.
"Can you say oh?"
"oh oooh oh"
Can you say mamamama?"
"oh"
"Can you say dadadadada?"
"goo oh goo", he shrieks.
"Tell me a story B," I plead.
"oh oh ooooh oh," he responds.

According to my mother these conversations are very important to his development and tells me that when I was young I had a large vocabulary because she had such conversations with me.  She was intent that I would speak at an early age.  I did and I never stopped talking.  My first word was fringy. When I was one I exclaimed, "Mommy I need a cookie." I know these things about myself because she told me and I enjoy hearing these tales of my infancy and her young motherhood.

I see myself in her and I always have and now that we share another bond as mothers that is stronger. I know now that even though I was unaware of her methods of child rearing that I follow in her footsteps in many ways. I wonder if it is intrinsic to my nature to do this because she did.

My husband has these same chats with our son in his own words in his own way. I wonder if someday our son will have these same exchanges with his children, our grandchildren. Will he know that we spoke to him in the same way with the same inflections and repetition anxiously awaiting his response? Will he feel the same anticipation? I know he will because in some way or another we all do this with our children because they are the most exciting and intriguing creatures in our worlds.

I look forward to all of our conversations in the future just like those we have now when he wakes from his nap. At some point I will tell him about his first word and his first sentence just as my mother did with me. I can only hope he cherishes them as much as I will.