Since I became a mother the first time, I knew I wanted to have more children. Brenton was first and then Emerson. Now we are seeking our third.
Rolston likes to say we are trying for the girl. I cannot lie. I would adore having a girl in this testosterone filled house. Boys are also phenomenal. Their energy and constant motion keep me engaged and exhaust me at the same time. I feel a pull to dream of tutus and graphic floral print dresses and of using the name we picked over five years ago when we only dreamt of what parenthood would bring.
As the time ticks by though all I want is a healthy baby. I want to be pregnant again and bring a healthy child into the world to love and treasure. Feeling the pull to do something once more that I absolutely adored and never thought I would enjoy so much. Pregnancy was bliss even when it wasn’t. Feeling life inside my body brought a peace I do not experience except in that state.
Sure the sleepless night are incredibly difficult and the newborn phase turns into the crazy toddler phase and the terrible twos and then the why phase and the teething and the diapers and the feeling like it will never end and then it ends and something new is coming at you like a freight train. It is constantly changing and watching small people grow bigger is a true wonder. I adore nursing my babies. The bond is unbreakable and I yearn to feel that connection and rush again. The moment of the first bubbling cries and the warm tiny body snuggling into mine.
So it doesn’t truly matter if my last baby is a boy or a girl. The little humans are never the same no matter what the sex, so it will be a new roller coaster. Brenton and Emerson are opposites, so I wonder what the third will bring to our family. Will it be balance? Will it be more crazy energy? Will it be something completely unexpected and new? I want to know the answer.
Wanting a baby is difficult at times. Waiting for the line to appear on the ovulation test. Waiting for the line on the pregnancy test. Wanting and waiting, waiting and wanting and over and over again for the past 6 months has been enough to fill me with hope and anxiety all at once. The hope outweighs the anxiety and so we keep trying.
A few times my mother has asked, “Could you be pregnant?” Sometimes the answer is maybe and other times it is no. She will certainly be one of the first to know, but she can’t stop herself from asking any more than I can stop myself from being disappointed that I can’t say yes. I want to say yes. I want to stare at the two lines. The two beautiful pink lines that confirm all my hopes and wishes are coming true. The lines that say our family is becoming complete and the minivan we bought will serve its true purpose. That I can decorate the last nursery, reuse some of the clothes I have packed away and feel the deepest love I never thought I would be able to feel for another human being one more time.
So bring on the morning sickness and the sciatica and the crazy cravings. The blood draws, the syrupy sweet awfulness of the sugar test, the endless doctors visits and the waiting in that last month that seems to never end. Bring on the list of atrocities that lead up to the c section in the cold sterile operating room even including the staples and the long recovery. Give me the first two weeks of nursing and the gel pads and all that comes with it including the pump.
I want it all, the good with the not so good. I want one more to complete us one more to love with all my heart. The kind of love that makes you feel like your heart might actually burst. The kind you never knew was possible and that you didn’t know you wanted until it washed over you and brought you into the world along with the baby. The love that wakes you up.
So I shout it out into the universe. I WANT TO BE PREGNANT! I WANT A HEALTHY BABY! I WANT OUR THIRD!!!