Saturday, September 6, 2014

Happy

My sweet Brenton has a speech delay also known as expressive language disorder. Now at almost 3 he is really blossoming. He can not only say a word or two, he can express his emotions. It is a new world of lower levels of frustration for all of us.

A few months back we were in the car and of course he was in the back seat and said, "Brenton happy." It makes my heart melt when he tells me anything. Even when he says poop or something that perhaps parents of more verbal children would be embarrassed by, because he has come so far I am proud of him. To hear him articulate that he is happy is enough to bring me to tears of joy!

Instead of weeping and causing any confusion, I smiled and asked so you are happy and he said yes. Then something magical happened. He asked me. He said in a questioning tone, "Mama happy?"

I was so ecstatic at the prospect that he can understand what it really means to be happy, I did a little dance in my heart. It has always been my hope that we would raise empathetic children who are self aware and emotionally intelligent. The world can be a tough place but it can also be filled with warmth and kindness.

Now he is concerned with the happiness of those around him. He asks if Gigi and Papa are happy after he asks me where they are. He talks about his brother and when he smiles he points and says happy. He does what he can to get that smile from his brother. He talks about his friends. When he sees them for playdates now, he says he is happy.

I hope he surrounds himself with happy people as he grows up. I hope he finds joy in many things. Right now he loves the movie Frozen, the TV show Zou and lollipops. Visits with Gigi to see his Nana where they play in the garden, playdates with friends and even simple trips in the car can bring exultations. He smiles great big smiles about playdough, wearing the Superman costume, swimming in the pool, big hugs and eating apples and cheese. Juice on a hot day has also made him very happy or so he told me. The happiness of others also makes him happy.

As he gets older the prospects for happiness will increase and I can only hope he embraces them.  What I want most is for him to be happy. Now I can ask if he is happy and he can tell me and that makes me really happy!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Outrage

The first time I heard about Trayvon Martin I was completely and totally in a state of raw emotion and outrage. This was before the trial and before the acquittal, but my eyes were open and I was paying more attention. Then came Jordan Davis. Now it is not only at the hands of certain fearful white men with guns, but the police with the murder of Michael Brown. I have now seen a borage of articles about the clear discrepancies with which unarmed black men are killed by police in comparison to white men. In certain communities it is astounding. All this time there have been statistics that have been clearly swept under the rug regarding these incidents.

When Obama was elected, I had a rush of emotion as a white woman who loved a black man that if we were to one day have children I could look them in the eye and tell them they can be anything they want to be just like I could if I had married a white man. Recalling tears of joy streaming down my cheeks and taking a deep breath and embracing with hope the new world we lived in. I believed times were truly changing and I like to believe they still are and this time it is for the sake of the two sons I have had since the election in 2008.

Not knowing what to do with my anger and frustration that has been bubbling since Trayvon Martin’s killer was acquitted as the murders continue and more mothers bury their young sons, I have chosen to do my best to keep my sons safe. We moved from a place where I worried they may be in danger of experiencing racially motivated incidents. I do not wish to shelter them, but I certainly do want to do all I can to ensure their safety. In our new town they require police to wear cameras on their uniforms. A measure that should be applied everywhere, but until that happens we will have to explain the realities of being a black man in America.

Also we will have to have conversations with our children that in some ways are almost more complex than the children of parents of the same race. Not only do we have to explain they may face bigotry, prejudice and perhaps overt racism and fear for their lives or perhaps lose their lives, we must explain that this could happen at the hands of someone who looks like me. This powerful realization has brought me to my knees with the force of a punch to the gut.

I have always been open and honest about my fears about intolerance and racism and willful ignorance toward the existence of both. Not knowing how they will impact my children is very difficult. I am struggling a lot with my emotions as tensions escalate in Ferguson, MO after the murder of Michael Brown. I am compelled to speak out and ask for people to pay attention to these events. Mostly I am asking white people, my family and my friends, to read articles or to look at video of these events with empathy. Saying things like if this was your child or something similar to induce understanding and concern. Instead I feel a push back from white America where they would prefer to not be faced with these issues. Some go so far as to deny their existence overtly, but others simply prefer to turn a blind eye because it is simply too painful to believe that someone who is unarmed could be gunned down without some sort of reason.

I do not have that luxury to ignore. In this awareness I am compelled to find other mothers who have an understanding similar to mine. I know black mothers and white mothers primarily, but I do not know any white mothers of black children. I say they are black only because the world will regard them as black. No one looks at Obama and refers to him as interracial. To the world he is black.

Lately I am seeking out mothers who share my experience in a way that is deeply personal. I look for them in articles, in blogs, and on Facebook to see them speaking up in a way that makes me say…yes that is exactly how I feel. So far I have not found them, but I will keep looking. The truth for me still remains I am a white mother to black children. I am afraid for them, saddened by these events and most of all outraged!

Friday, August 8, 2014

Big Beefy

Emerson is even bigger than Brenton was at the same age thus he has been donned with the nickname Big Beefy. He is simply big and beefy and therefore it fits. He has also been called Smiling Tiny Man II. Because he is very smiley.

Baby nicknames are so much fun and Brenton had so many. Some stuck others did not. For Emerson Big Beefy suits him. When we say ot and bounce him he smiles a big toothless smile and almost gives a nod that says yes I am Big Beefy.

Big Beefy is so many things aside from big and Beefy and it is miraculous just how much personality a four month old can have. He has a smile that starts at his toes. He pulls it all the way from there almost wiggling it out of himself as it spreads through his body all the way across his face. It is bold and lights up the room. I can't help but smile with him.

He is always on the move. He can do baby sit ups and he rolls back and forth and scooches all around the floor or the bed or the crib. He bats and grabs. He has an incredible grip. His strength is amazing.

He babbles nonstop. Talking seems to come naturally and he is very vocal. Ah goo is his favorite but he also has chirps and wookie sounds as well that continue into his quirky but infectious laugh. Just like Brenton his voice is music to my ears.

My heart melts as I watch him jump in the jumper, play on his gym mat or sleep in my arms. When he nurses I catch that look of satisfaction and sometimes he even flashes me a smile. I sing his big beefy song and bounce him. I just can't help myself. He is so lovable and huggable. Even Brenton loves to hug him. We all play on the floor together and they snuggle and giggle with each other. I am so surprised how well they get along. Brenton's favorite chore is to make his brother happy. If he cries I say go make him happy and he does. Big beefy also returns the favor and makes Brenton happy as well. Brenton never laughs so hard as when his brother gets him going. Big beefy and B have a special bond already. I think it is because Brenton is empathetic, warm and kind and Emerson is as well...even his heart is big and beefy!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Overwhelmed

As a working woman and financial provider, wife to a wonderful man who is a stay at home dad and the mother of two young children, I find myself almost constantly overwhelmed in some way. First I am overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for these two beautiful creatures born from my body. Taking nothing for granted in each moment, I know that this love is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced. It brings me to tears regularly. Emotion is raw especially in the first few months post partum. I am overtaken at times by the power of what I am feeling.

Throwing changes into the mix has been emotionally overpowering as well, but in many different ways. Giving birth. Moving. Renovating. Going back to work. More renovating. Organizing. Settling down. Finding routine again and feeling some relief even as the changes continue. I am overwhelmed by the changes in my surroundings and my circumstances.

Being the mother of two is different than being the mother of one. There is a sense that there is less of me to go around and it is irrepressible at time. Worries about my divided attention not only between them but throw in work and other tasks, the feeling can be enormous in the moments when everything feels like it is crumbing before me into a heap. The other day as I was on a conference call for work in my home office while the baby screamed through the wall with my husband attempting to comfort him prior to his nap and the workman were nailing down our master bath sub floor. It was a constant borage of activity that left me reeling. In the memory of it I still feel panicked and exhausted by the uncontrollable enormity of the moment. All I wanted was for it to stop and to be alone, but it was impossible.

No longer free to pick up and go without worries about the last nursing session or pumped milk, a stocked diaper bag, a change of clothes, snacks or toys. Losing some of the independence I once knew and realizing the trip to the grocery store when I am alone can be a liberating experience is a compelling notion. I am bound to the ways of tiny humans with my once flowing long hair pinned in a pony or bun to avoid the grasp of tiny yet powerful fingers. I would not change it, but I cannot deny that it has changed me.

Even when I am alone I am reminded that they are the most important people with each step as I shop. Carefully remembering the squeezies and the soy milk and bananas and raisins, I forget the reason I came to the store in the first place was to get something for myself. Remembering the probiotics for my husband and the sweets, I still search the aisles for something that I can no longer place. This is the reason moms make lists, but in my rush to get out and back before the baby woke again to nurse the list was not a priority.

So I wandered the aisles and somewhere I found what I was looking for. It was a moment of peace and solitude. Taking a deep breath I slowed my pace and began to enjoy the moment. And then I remembered…avocados!

This is what I now know about being overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed I need to stop. Just a pause because that pause can allow for things I never imagined to happen in just a moment. I can breath and I can relax and I can see why what seems so large isn’t large at all but rather fleeting. Taking that pause, that breath, is essential because if I don’t I am worthless to those around me, but also to myself.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The House on Mary

Our first house was on Mary street. I can look forward and imagine telling Brenton about the home he spent his first few years in where he said his first word and reached so many milestones. I think of Emerson's first months of life here.  So many memories made in four years here so good and so sweet.

It all began with the Sara sticker in the window in the back bedroom that meant it was marked for me. The tall ceilings that showed me potential and made me fall in love. The short sale that took months and months and tested my patience. The full gut renovation that didn't take months and months and moved me forward. Leaving the apartment and making a house a home.

There is so much I have done here. Learned here. Become here. First and foremost becoming a mother. Something I never knew I wanted but am so glad I dove in because the ocean of parenthood is deep.

There are so many things I will never forget about our time here. Being pregnant twice and bringing my sons home to this house top the list of wonderful moments.

Brenton playing on his first swingset. His obsession with his sandbox. The back door we just left open so he could run in the backyard. The steep steps he learned to climb and fell down once. The walls filled with pictures. The kitchen I designed and loved to cook in. Thanksgiving and Christmas and even Halloween where we finally got to give out candy to trick or treaters.

Making friends with neighbors. Young and old. Street fairs and Cranberry Festivals. Great restaurants and cute shops. A small town and a city. It was a wonderful four years.

As I pack our belongings ready to move into our big new house of possibilities, I reflect on our time here. It was wonderful. Not because it was always happy because it wasn't but because it was life. It was our life. It was where Rolston and I started our family.

There were hard times but we fought and came out stronger. Thank goodness the hard times were few and far between. We have been lucky and I am grateful for all of it.

I will certainly look back fondly on this time in our little house on Mary Street. It will be hard to say goodbye in some ways and easy in others. Missing things about living here will not be about missing these four walls but carrying with us what we have built that will make our new house our home.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Siblings

Growing up I was almost like an only child. My brother is 16 years my senior so by the time I was two I was the only child in the house. I longed for a sister who was close to my age but it wasn't meant to be. In my later years I made spectacular friends and some would become close like sisters. Still I knew I wanted my children to have siblings.

Watching Rolston and his sister after the death of their mother solidified that I wanted my children to have siblings. We always said if we had children we wanted at least two. Now I am sure we want three and if it was twins for our last go round we would embrace that as well. We will require a mini van in the future and that is a day I look forward to as a sign that our family is complete.

When Emerson arrived we were uncertain how Brenton would react. He has had us all to himself for two and a half years after all. We prepared him as best we could. A specially ordered cabbage patch doll with a similar skin tone to his was our way to introduce the idea of a new baby. Then his father pointing out babies everywhere they went and explaining his special new role as a big brother.

Even with all the preparations we couldn't be sure how he would react. When the day came he wore his special big bro shirt and when he came into the room he stayed at a safe distance. He said no no when asked to meet his new brother. Then moments later he was close and talking to him.

Brenton sat with his brother and father on the bed and they all got to know each other a little better. It was amazing to sit and watch. When we came home Brenton was attentive and very protective. He still is.

When Emerson cries he is right there trying to find the paci or simply saying "oh no" again and again. Brenton is so empathetic. He wants to hold his brother and kiss his brother. He is gentle and kind with him.

I know this may change with time and sibling rivalry may take hold but for now in these early days of their relationship I am taken aback by how wonderful they are together. Perhaps to reward his brother for all the love, Emerson gave Brenton his very first real smile. It is a moment I will never forget.

Emerson was sitting in his bouncy seat and Brenton was kneeling smiling at his brother and it happened. The lips curled up and the lips parted slightly and he smiled a big toothless smile. I said excitedly, "Brenton he is smiling at you. Your brother is smiling at you." Brenton clapped his hands and laughed and put his head on his brother and hugged him. It was one of the happiest moments in my life!

Although I did not grow up with a sibling close in age, my sons will and no matter what happens they will always have each other. Watching them is a joy. As our family grows I will continue to relish all the wonderful moments my children share as siblings!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

One Month

It has been one whole month since our second son joined our family. The month had been full of memorable moments. I am grateful for all of it even the sleep deprivation.

First the meeting between Brenton and Emerson is something I will never forget. He came into the room took a look and stayed very far away from his new brother. He eyed him up and then progressively got closer and closer until he felt comfy with his new brother. Now he can't stop kissing him and asking to hold him. He is also very concerned whenever he cries.

Brenton is very protective of his brother. I always felt in my heart he would be this way but to see it is simply astounding . He takes my breath away with his innate kindness and caring way.

We are all finding our way as a new family of four. Dynamics do change and Brenton needs my reassurance and a few more cuddles and kisses than usual. He is also a typical two year old pushing boundaries and being difficult at times. He likes attention and likes praise. It helps if I can find ways to ask him to be helpful. He also needs consistency in his schedule and time with his dad.

Emerson's needs are far more basic but the key is balancing them with Brenton's, Rolston's and mine. There are things about Emerson that I know that make it easier to understand him. He is fussy in the evening now. He likes being swaddled. He needs his pacifier. He hates having his diaper changed and he is gassy. He also smiles in his sleep.

Rolston just needs some alone time to recharge. He gets that during Brenton's nap and at night after i go to bed. He is my rock and takes care of me when I am overwhelmed by the changes. He smooths my hair and hugs me and I am comforted.

As always I find I am at my best when we are all together in the morning. Brenton watching Zou. Emerson nursing. Rolston dozing. I feel so content surrounded by my guys. I am also partial to having time alone with Brenton and Emerson. Brenton at bedtime or in the morning feeding him breakfast or outside pushing him on the swing. Emerson napping on my chest or staring up at me after he nurses.

I love being out in the sun or sitting with the windows open. I love taking pictures and video. Going on errands as a family is a chore and a blessing at once. Driving in the car alone or with my guys listening to music also brings me joy. I am looking forward to getting a pedicure soon and maybe even a massage. Recovery this time was harder so I think I am in need of some pampering now that I feel like myself again. Mothers day is this Sunday so perhaps that will be the day.

So far we are managing fairly well. The boys make it easy. Of course we have sleepless nights and stressful moments of upheaval and it has been overwhelming. I think we have all cried out of frustration at one point or another especially when Brenton had the stomach flu one weekend.

Still I took both boys to the park and to get ice cream all on my own. All the times I doubt myself about the things I feel like I can't do I surprise myself occasionally by the small victories that bring me such happiness. I am certain it is because in similar moments of weakness I can feel exactly the opposite.

That is the crazy ride I have been on in the past month and look forward to each day to come especially while I am in maternity leave. This time is precious and I am so grateful for it. I just can't believe it has already been one whole month!