Monday, December 2, 2013

Everything is Crazy Good!

Everything is crazy. Did I mention that? But it is the good kind of crazy. I see a clear distinction now that before did not exist. Now that I have my own child and another on the way I feel the holidays and the craziness coming and the excitement floods over me.

I know what I am in for at 20 weeks pregnant deciding to carry on the tradition of Thanksgiving at our house was perhaps a little insane. I welcomed it. I adore the traditional Thanksgiving meal and even the planning and shopping is fun for me. On Saturday Brenton and I took off for Whole foods and filled the cart with all kinds of goodies. Everything but the turkey was purchased that day. It has become a tradition to get the bird from Lee’s turkey farm. It really is delicious and worth it to support our local farmers as well.

Before things really kicked into high gear with all the prep work we had a moment to enjoy the big ultrasound and get a good look at Rolston Emerson Gaiter for the first time. I was all smiles and Brenton was running around the waiting room. Rolston was in charge of wrangling him. He was in good spirits. We went for the scan and all was going very well. Then it happened. Brenton threw up everywhere. We joked it was his way of keeping the full attention on him. Poor little guy cried a bit and then just as quickly as it happened he was over it. The good news is all was well with Emerson. In celebration we revealed the picture and the name on Facebook.

Rolston went to get the turkey that day and with my instructions he knew exactly what to do and the trip went smoothly. That evening the stuffing was made and it was delicious! I had to sneak a taste or two. It met with rave reviews and I revealed my secret. The mix was from a bag. Of course I added my own touches such as stock instead of water and adding way too much butter and 2 pounds of sage sausage and onions and celery to the mix, but it was still from a bag. The rest of the meal was made from scratch except the marshmallows atop the sweet potato casserole and I would not have it any other way.

By Wednesday afternoon I was let out early from work and we were in high gear. Rolston is my trusty potato peeler which makes the prep work much easier for me. Brenton was being helpful cleaning up the stray peels that missed the garbage can. My parents stopped by with the pies and cranberry sauce. Despite the craziness it was all very enjoyable and exhausting. Since I spent the day mainly on my feet I was exhausted and made it to bed early in preparation for the big day.

On Thursday I woke early with Brenton and we stayed in our jammies and watched Sesame Street. Then it was time to prep the turkey. Stuff some herbs and oranges inside and some butter under the skin, salt and pepper and in the oven to brown. 6 hours later voila!

I cleaned the house and set the table with Rolston’s mother’s table linens and china. I let the feelings of sadness wash over me. I also remembered her warm smile and her laugh. That we use her things to celebrate this family holiday is important to me and we will do it every year.

Brenton napped and I got ready just in time for the family to arrive. My parents, my grandmother and my brother and his family. 10 of us all together is the perfect number for me and for my dining room table! Everyone was munching on the appetizers my sister in law brought and drinking wine and root beer. It was in full swing and Brenton was being a doll with his great grandmother. She just loves him and he loves her.

Not long after the meal was ready and I carved the turkey for the first time. With a little help from everyone we were ready to eat. We said our family grace holding hands and then broke out into conversation over a good meal. I received many compliments and I must admit I do enjoy them. When we were completely stuffed the table was cleared and we sat rubbing our bellies for a bit while we made room for dessert. There has to be pie of course.

It was a wonderful meal with a wonderful family and I was so pleased to host despite all the craziness and being pregnant and my little two year old running around it was exactly what I wanted. Even in the moments I thought I might just give up and ask everyone to leave because I did have that moment. The truth is my husband kept me sane and we realized we didn’t yell at each other once. Progress despite the craziness.

After everyone left and the house was quiet I put Brenton to bed and planned my next steps for decorating for Christmas the next day. I was in bed early again and the next day was spent in my pajamas. By noon the tree was up. Rolston hung the wreaths while I wrapped the garland around the banister. While Brenton napped I decorated the tree. My parents came by again and played with Brenton while I put up my Santa collection. Memories are tied to these traditions that I love and with my family ever present it makes it so much more special and joyous and crazy.

Saturday was yet another busy productive crazy day. An early trip to obtain what I have always wanted for our front “yard”. A 6 foot spiral tree with a star and two reindeer because outside lights are just not practical in any other way. I absolutely adore them. It is just what I wanted and I set them up all by myself. There is a sense of satisfaction in that for me running extension cords and making sure everything looks just so. Then it all felt complete.

A quick trip to pick up my bridesmaid dress and to Chipotle to ensure I ate something other than the Thanksgiving leftovers I had been indulging in for the past 36 hours and I was worn out. I vegged out on the couch until Brenton woke from his nap. Next stop was the train show and the tree lighting.

My parents arrived a little before 4 and we walked to old city hall. It was magical and of course crazy. People were everywhere and the train displays were more than amazing. Brenton was so excited. He could barely contain himself pointing and shrieking. It was all too much and so on our way out he proceeded to have a full meltdown complete with collapsing on the sidewalk and refusing to get up. This continued for approximately a half hour of just full discontent. He could not even be swayed with popcorn, shoulder rides or new mittens from the consignment shop.

We moved to an open spot in the street around 5:30 hoping he could burn off some negative energy and let him run back and forth between us in the street. It was no use. He could not be happy unless he was running back and forth and it was just too crazy. We were meeting for family dinner around the corner at 6 and so we just threw in the towel and walked home while the tree remained unlit behind us.

I was very concerned that family dinner would not go well for Brenton and came prepared with the kindle, but he was surprisingly well behaved. It was the adults who were more raucous than he was. My mother took excellent care of him and made sure he had his fill of bruschetta because of course we had to get a bunch of appetizers to share and apparently he really likes bruschetta.

After yet another crazy family meal we said our goodbyes and by the time we got home Brenton was very sleepy. I put him to bed and my eyes were already beginning to shut from exhaustion as well. I made it through a movie with Rolston though despite everything and I wouldn’t have had it any other way than spending an evening just quietly on the couch in our home together decorated for the holidays after an exhausting three days together. He put his hand on my belly while Emerson kicked and rubbed my leg.

Sunday was a day of rest and relaxation finally after all the hub bub. I watched a whole movie by myself. Still Brenton decided it was a good day to refuse to nap and although he was quiet and rested after the grandparents came by for a final goodbye he was in full meltdown mode yet again. Over and over he cried and looked at me and cried and looked at me some more. The answer…stuffing and macaroni and cheese followed by a good dose of Sprout’s goodnight show.

After Zou ended I convinced him to head upstairs brush his teeth and after a few stories he was asleep in my arms. This is my favorite thing in the whole world…holding my sleeping child. He is calm and his rhythmic breathing calms me as well. It reminds me no matter what insane things happen in a day everything is good, crazy good!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Speaking Up

When the issue first arose in our town regarding religious music in a public school winter concert to me the response was swift and pointed. The establishment clause in the first amendment clearly implies a freedom from religion. As a person brought up in the Presbyterian Church and attended Catholic school from 5 th grade through high school graduation religion is a topic with which I am quite familiar as is the history of our country.

There was a swell of outrage regarding the removal of three specific songs. “We Sing Gloria”, “The Kings from the East” and “Bring a Torch Jeanette, Isabella”. I was shocked at the outrage. I was shocked these overtly Christian songs were in the program to begin with. As a Christian I felt they had no place in a fourth grade music class in a public school and as an American I was outraged that this was even an issue at all.

The debate began on social media. It became heated almost immediately. I remained respectful in my disagreement that this was an attack on Christmas. I stayed resolute in my defense of this as a first amendment issue. As the debate continued it became clear this was not just about the Constitutional interpretation of the first Amendment. It was much bigger. It was personal.

I began to realize why there was such an uproar. It was religion. Religion is so personal it goes to the core of the being of many. It is about faith and spirituality. It is brings up complex emotions.

As a community we were clearly divided. The debate reached a fevered pitch on several occasions. Adults were becoming bullies and using words as weapons instead of constructive tools. Posts were deleted and people were banned from groups.

I continued in my pursuit of the issue and my defense of what eventually turned out to be a private concern that a parent raised. The parent is Jewish and her husband Christian. Her child feeling uncomfortable singing about Jesus as the Messiah led to a discussion with the principal which got out somehow and was now everywhere. She came forward and took abuse. She had to stop her fight publically and return to the private realm. I continued my fight for what I now believed even more strongly was a just cause.

Next came the argument that the songs list was diverse and that stifling the teachings of Christianity was exclusion when the focus should be inclusion. We to me this argument is and always will be fundamentally flawed since there were no songs representing Islam, Hinduism or any other faiths. If I invite someone into my Church to worship they have a choice. They can take it or leave it. If this was a religion class where all religions were discussed analytically and from a safe distance it would be different. This was not about teaching diversity of thought. This was forced participation in religious practice.

I remained baffled at what I saw as a clear misinterpretation of the meaning of diversity and the purpose of Christianity. When the fight became about keeping Christ in Christmas I began to even more fervently defend my stance from the perspective of a Christian. I asked the community what Jesus would do. I firmly believe he would take the hands of those in the community we have outcast based on their challenge of the status quo and ask why we did not treat them better. As I understand it, that was kind of his thing.

It became about standing up for Christmas and our tradition as a country. The ultimate irony was our town was founded by a Quaker. Back then singing and musical instruments were not permitted in the religion. One of our most famous members of our community was Thomas Paine. A Deist who wrote “The Age of Reason” which denounces organized religion. Again the arguments remained fundamentally flawed about the origins of our country and the intent of our founding father of both our country and our community and when challenged these truths were tossed aside as invalid.

There were articles in the local papers and eventually it even reached the level of national news. The O’Reilly Factor featured the issue as part of continued proof of the war on Christmas. Bill went so far as to refer to our superintendent as a pinhead. Many in the town were embarrassed by the “negative” attention. I believe and still do this important issue is relevant to all and should be discussed.

I stand by my fight for what I believe is a just cause. I stand by it as a member of a community where I came to raise a family. We chose it based on the diversity of the community. Clearly as an interracial couple we value a community that truly values diversity. This is yet another reason I continue the fight.

I wrote letters to the Board of Education and to the Superintendent of Schools. Both Rolston and I felt strongly enough to attend the Board of Education meeting. After long discussions and regular board business it was time for public comments. People spoke from the heart on both sides of the issue. I knew I had to speak up.

So I leaned to Rolston and said I think I want to speak. He was like just don’t swear. I met many wonderful people through this process and one woman stood up just as I was about to. She was one of the first who I met who was threatened pretty directly because she came out in support of the ban and defended me. She was so upset she was on the verge of tears. She was nervous, but it was beautiful and passionate and sincere. She spoke from the heart.

Then I stood up and spoke directly to the board about the responsibility they have in making this policy and how important it was for them to understand that there are many Christian members in the community who agree with the ban. I spoke about my beliefs that it is wrong to sing songs of praise as part of a fourth grade mandatory curriculum. I asked them to be sure to consider the forum and that this is not an optional high school club or me asking my friend to sing in the hallway and that it makes a difference when you look at the context. I also mentioned that the song list was not at all diverse and that this was not a war on Christmas. I thanked them for giving us the forum to discuss the issue rather than speculate on Facebook and took my seat. I felt good about speaking up.

I learned a lot about myself through this whole affair. I am very passionate. I think this could lead to public service in the future. I am also energized by debate especially when the topic is important and relevant to the community I live in.

It also brought up many feelings about parenthood and how I will raise my children. I will teach my children to stand up for what is right in a respectful and educated manner. They must have facts on their side even in an emotional situation. They will learn to think analytically about all issues and learn to be empathetic because although I did not agree with many, I did my best to always see where they were coming from and do my best to understand. Most of all they will learn that in this country we have the greatest freedom to do what so many would and have killed for…the ability to speak up!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Happy Halloween!

My town is the Halloween town. We have a Halloween parade and I am not referring to a bunch of kids in costumes walking in a line. Oh no this is the real deal with floats and marching bands and candy flying from all directions.

We took Brenton last year, but he was unimpressed. I think he was simply too young. Well this year was a completely different story. Dressed as Wolverine with sunglasses on and jack o’ lantern candy sack in tow, we headed to our neighbors for the parade. He was excited. He knew something was happening. There were so many people gathering. He was waving to everyone along the way and they just loved his enthusiasm and his adorable costume.

We arrived and went inside for a bit, but he was insistent that we go outside. So out we went and waited for the parade to start. He ran back and forth and pointed at the first group in line. He wanted it to being and so did I.

Then it began and he was entranced. He gathered candy and put it in his bag. After a while he was curious to know why the candy had to stay in the bag and began taking it out in handfuls. I distracted him with a lollipop. Well four actually over the course of the parade and the subsequent time spent hanging out with parents and their children. At one point Brenton was perhaps convinced he was in the parade and began marching and dancing on the neighbor’s driveway. I caught it on camera. Now that was a treat!

Aside from the parade the town also has a house decorating contest. We decorate, but do not enter the contest. We are not that exciting, but the winners are always quite impressive in their designs. Along the same line is our dear Thompson Street. Each year they select a theme and this year it was the Wizard of Oz.

To say it is impressive is an understatement. It is everything you can imagine about the Wizard of Oz and the magic of Halloween all rolled into one. We made our way to Thompson Street a little before 6 on Halloween night. The crowds intensified as we approached. The children and adults alike were filled with anticipation to see the spectacle.

It was better than I imagined. Greeted by residents and the yellow brick road we began our journey. Brenton was slightly overwhelmed as was I. There was so much to look at. The houses with the flying monkeys and the ruby slippers and the film projected on a makeshift screen on one of the homes. The lights, the witches good and bad, the whole cast was represented. A tornado was also constructed and the woman on her bicycle was high above in a tree.

It was almost too much excitement for all of us. Children were shrieking with delight as they filled their bags with treats and everyone saying Happy Halloween as they greeted one another. The crowd was just enchanted and there was no denying it. Everyone was enjoying themselves.

As we neared the end of the street we saw the glowing lights from a field of jack o lanterns. It took my breath away to see them all. They were meticulously carved and in the center of the display read Happy Halloween in glowing candle light from the transformed pumpkins. Rolston lifted Brenton as I took pictures. It was a marvelous end to our adventure.

We returned home and continued the fun handing out candy to all the children. We brought chairs to the end of our driveway and from our perches we went through almost three bowls of candy. Many came from Thompson Street and remembered our little Wolverine. He was eating kit kat and was very excited to see all the children in their costumes. He stole a few from our bowl as well. So many smiles they were contagious.

It was a magical night! I have always loved Halloween. I think I might even say it is my favorite holiday. I have definitely moved to the right town to celebrate and my son seems to be just as enchanted with it as I am. Next year we will have another little one to bring on our adventure to Thompson Street. I wonder what the theme will be. I can’t imagine how they will top themselves, but I hear they always do. I can’t wait!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Apple Day!

It is an official family tradition. I went as a child and now I bring my child. It is Apple Day at Terhune orchard and it is full of fall family fun. This year did not disappoint. We arrived and parked the car in a field. It was already packed with families and children and strollers. We were no exception. Next year it will be a double stroller for us! And won’t that be exciting.

Brenton decided he would rather push the stroller than sit in it and that was just fine with me. I helped him steer on the gravel road toward the land of geese and sheep. He was not enthused with the sheep. He took one step toward one and it stood up and ran off and so he took 5 steps backward. We asked if he liked the sheep and he took another step back. Next was the chickens. He enjoyed watching them for about 3 seconds and then he was moving on and pushing his stroller with authority. This was his endeavor and he would not be distracted from the mission.

The only thing I could think to distract this little stroller monster was food and honestly I was pretty hungry as well. Growing a human is no small task you know. We cautiously approached the food tent. This was the scene of last year’s discontent. Brenton clearly had no memory of last year when he was stung by a bee for the first time. It was right here where we were standing. This year was far cooler and there were very few bees. I was on high alert nonetheless and told Rolston to take him and roam around while I got the food. This year we had no bee stings. This year was pure fun!

Some pork sandwiches, fries, mac and cheese and watermelon were on the menu for the day. We sat in the sun and munched. Brenton ate two pieces of the watermelon and all his mac and cheese. He was sated and so was I. Then good news arrived as Monica and her family showed up unexpectedly. We were off to pick some apples together.

Watching children decide which apples to pick is pretty darn cute. Brenton was more confused than anything at first, but I selected a couple and he plucked them from the trees. He ran along zig zagging through the orchard while I feverishly took photo after photo trying to catch the perfect one. I think I succeeded when he decided to hide in one of the apple trees although there are several from the day that really capture the joy of it all.

Next we were off to the great big john deer tractor. He sat on it all by himself this year. He played in the playhouse and on the big wooden wagon play set complete with a slide. He was fearless and excited. He ran and jumped and smiled and laughed. It was a child’s paradise.

Then it was time for a pony ride. I was concerned after the reaction to the sheep, but now he was fed and happy. Rolston put him on the horse and it happened. A huge smile spread across his face. He was loving this. He squealed with glee a few times and as his father walked with him around the path he looked back at me a few times and smiled. He was thrilled with this new adventure and so was I.

After the pony ride and all the excitement, it was clear that Brenton was exhausted and becoming cranky. We said our goodbyes to the Williams family, bought our cider donuts and two candy apples, and made our way to the car. We packed up, almost hit the fence pulling out of our parking spot and Brenton fell asleep in the car on the way home. It was the perfect Apple Day!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Sweet Pea

On Monday I was feeling off and my brain will not let me ignore something when I become convinced something is wrong. Most of the time thankfully I am mistaken and everything is just as it should be, but because when I was 15 I absolutely knew that Rolston was in the hospital because I could not reach him and I was correct. I am always on guard when my instincts kick in.

There was some pain on my left side and my left shoulder hurt as well. I am notorious for Dr. Google issues and this was no exception. I saw the words that have scared me since I learned I was pregnant again. Ectopic pregnancy. A sign is shoulder pain and my shoulder clearly hurt. It didn’t seem the same as what they described but I just could not let it go. I absolutely had to be sure my little sweet pea was alright!

I called the doctor and the nurse said I should come in and get checked out. After an extra hour in the waiting room since the doctor was running behind, I was examined. They sent me for an ultrasound and the tech Kim said the wonderful words, “It is definitely not ectopic.” I let out a huge breath. I think I had been holding my breath all day long. So I inhaled again and took a deep cleansing breath. All was well and it felt good.

The doctor advised that I should quit the workouts for the next couple of weeks and see how things go. Then she said more wonderful words, “But everything looks good and there is cardiac activity.” My tiny sweet pea has a heartbeat!

Good news kept coming the next day when the results of the beta came in and they are at the high end of the range 53525. The nurse said that it was good when she called to give me the numbers. Amazement set in at how wrong I could be and how grateful I am to be mistaken. It seems as though for now things are progressing as they should. As my mother and father say, “No need to borrow trouble.”

The original appointment for an ultrasound is next week and it will be a family visit. Brenton and his daddy will get to see our little sweet pea and hopefully hear that heartbeat or at least see it flicker on the screen. To share that experience with my baby boy will make it even sweeter and more exciting.

Brenton is aware that something is different. He clings to me in a new way. He looks at me like he knows soon things will be different. He will be a wonderful big brother.

He had his first speech therapy appointment yesterday. With optimism I feel think this will be very good for all of us and especially him. It takes the pressure off all of us. She teaches him sign language and asks him to vocalize and rewards him when he does. Most things we have tried and some things we have not. He seems to like it and he definitely feels comfortable with his therapist.

Worries are melting away and are replaced with a feeling of content. The reassurance on two fronts has allowed me to take many more deep breaths. I look back to this time last year when things were not as they should be and realize how far we have come and the excitement I have about what lies ahead.

We have so much for which to be thankful. Our son is happy and healthy and will soon be talking so much we will wish he never began. Our marriage stable and better than stable it is happy. We have our little sweat pea doing her job and growing and growing with a tiny beating heart and what could be better than that? I am the luckiest girl in the world!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Diamond Baby

This morning at 3:50am I woke and took my temperature.  It was really much higher than usual at 98.68.  This has been part of my daily routine for a little over 3 months now.  Usually I go right back to sleep but this morning was different.

I contemplated should I take a pregnancy test? As I lay in bed I thought about how I would feel if it was negative.  Then I considered how the past few months I have not even gotten to take the test before I knew I was definitely not pregnant.

I got out of bed and peed on a stick.  I put the test down and looked at Facebook until the 3 minutes were up.  I cautiously picked it up and there it was two blazing pink lines. I started to cry and shake a little in excitement and slight disbelief.  I was supposed to be out this month because I traveled for work during prime time for conception, but nonetheless we hit the window.

As I stood up I realized it was true and said "Yes!" and gave a fist pump.  I am a Jersey girl after all.  Opened the bathroom door and then came the fun part.

Shaking my husband awake I exclaimed, "There is something crazy in the bathroom."  Startled and groggy he proceeded to the bathroom and saw the positive test on the counter and turned and smiled at me. I was giggling with excitement.  We embraced!  We did it!  Baby #2 is on the way!

I felt like those children in the Disney commercial and went back to bed and said, "I am too excited to sleep." So we talked and just thought about how soon we will be a family of four and how strange and crazy it is because at one point we weren't even certain we wanted children and now we might even want three.

An important realization hit. Our son is going to be a big brother.  That is what we call him now. We immediately referred to him when he woke up as the little big brother.

I went to the store and purchased a shirt that says Big Brother. We went to my best friend's house to surprise her.  She had just woken up and was startled and so excited.

She is the one person in my life I can count on to be as excited as I am about something that happens in my life.  She is an amazing woman and I am grateful every day for our friendship.

We basked in the glow of the news together and watched my son play in his Big Brother shirt.  It was fantastic.  I told another friend via text with a picture of him in the shirt and next my parents will be coming by and they will see him in the shirt as well.

It is very exciting since they are in town visiting and last time we had to tell them by phone. I know they will be so pleased since they knew we are trying for our second.  And now "she" is on the way.  We are calling the new baby "she" because we have a girls name picked out already, but of course will be thrilled either way.

Her estimated due date is April 15th.  Tax day!  I think it is a great day to have a baby.  And April has the best birthstone ever...a diamond!  Here's to our diamond baby!!!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Summer Schedule

It is summer and it is hot!  So what do you do with a crazy toddler who is in the process of dropping his morning nap and it is way too hot to be outside for extended periods of time?  You find activities.  Lot's of them.

My husband is a stay at home father, but I have the type A personality.  I began ever so simply searching online for a few fun things to do.  First we discovered toddler gym classes.  So we tried them all!  We have been to My Gym, Gymboree and the Little Gym.  They are all different and all the same. 

Free trial classes let you get a sense of what you will find.  One surprising commonality is bubbles.  All have bubbles and two out of three sing the same song about bubbles.  There are also things to bounce on, climb on, roll in, swing on, crawl through and jump on.  Best part...in the summer they are unlimited for the flat monthly rate.

My husband tells me that Brenton prefers My Gym to all the others because they have a zip line and a ball pit.  I do not have a bias.  I just know Brenton loves his gym classes. 

I was so excited about it I started back to the gym myself, but the grown up version with ellipticals and resistance training. Sadly no ball pit nor zip line nor bubbles.  But it's still worth it since after all I need to keep up with the toddler who goes to the gym.  Yikes!

Next I stumbled upon the best find.  Libraries.  Libraries have amazing children's programs.  Big blocks for babies, baby time, story time, activity time, free play, wooden train time, play dough chefs, and toddler rock are all part of the summer schedule. Best part...they are free.

So now there are options.  Many options from which to choose.  We officially reached the point of needing a schedule.

In my spare time I made a calendar for the entire summer.  Day by day a list of different events at different locations all labeled and colored coded and time stamped.  My husband knows library events are in red, Gymboree is in green, My Gym is in blue and Kid's music round is purple. 

Also thrown in are impromptu event's like today's trip to a local mall where there so happened to be rides for children.  Brenton liked the train very much.  He has an affinity for Thomas the train and really anything that goes vroom.

My husband is an explorer and he finds other things to do.  Sometimes they are strange, but always stroller friendly.  He is socializing with other moms and dads and kids just love him.  He always has a change of clothes, a few toys, a diaper, spare sippy cup and a snack.  He is no amateur.  He knows his stuff.

Bottom line is the schedule is wonderful, but sometimes the best days are the days where we throw the schedule out the window and just find something new to do like going to a new mall we have never been to an taking turns pushing the stroller while we try to find the elevator looking at crazy things we don't need or want and will never buy. Best part...being together and having fun.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

ATTC #2 Waiting for a BFP

There is a whole world of mommies. Mommies to be are included no matter what step of the process they are in. Many of us are out there networking online. We touch base with women across the world facing similar circumstances as well as divergent, but we all come together in places known as forums or groups. There are lots of options out there. It is sometimes difficult to determine where you fit in best.

They have all kinds of different boards within these groups. Natural mothers, new mothers, mothers over 35, mothers Under 35, mothers of children with special needs and so on and so forth. If you need to know you will find a board for you. There are pregnancy boards, birth boards, breastfeeding boards, boards about dealing with losses, and boards for those trying to conceive. The list is almost endless.

The other never ending list is that of acronyms mothers use on these message boards. BTDT, BD, TTC, BF, DS, DH, DD, BBT, O, CM, CP, EWCM, OPK, CH and BFP just to name a few. I sometimes think could I post an entire sentence written in just acronyms. I rest assured this is possible.

I am a BTDT mother. Because simply I have been there done that since my DS, dear son, is 1 and a half now. I still feel like some days I have a lot to learn from other women whether they are mothers or not. Especially now that we are TTC, trying to conceive, our second child.

With Brenton it was easy, we said hey maybe we should have a baby and surprise even though we were NTNP, not trying not preventing, it happened quickly. Now with our second we are ATTC, actively trying to conceive. I take my temperature every morning when I wake up with a basal body temperature thermometer, BBT. It happens before I move my head from the pillow after at least 3 hours of restful sleep to get an accurate reading. Then I log my temp into FF, my app called Fertility Friend. Then I look at my chart. Then I put down my phone and roll over and attempt to go back to sleep.

There is a lot that goes into charting. I also do OPKs, ovulation predictor kits, twice daily until I get a positive result of my LH, luteinizing hormone, surge. I have to tell you waiting for a positive OPK until CD25, cycle day 25, almost drove me crazy, but I made it! That smiling digital face made my real face smile back:)

Next we BD. This is perhaps my favorite because it means baby dance. Ideally you want to BD 3 days in a row once you get your positive OPK. You also want to be sure you BD if you have EWCM. I won’t say what that is but the ladies who know know what I mean!

And now after that positive OPK you wait to confirm O, ovulation. This is done when I get my CH, crosshairs on FF. Two red intersecting lines that we have O! CD 27 O! I knew it was going to be confirmed by the spike in my BBT. It is amazing the things you can learn quickly when you have a little bit of a type A personality and access to a computer and a board called “Getting Pregnant” full of women who want the same thing you do…a baby!

I rest assured that my DH, dear husband, and I have done what we can this month while we ATTC #2. When I got my temp spike I looked at Rolston and gave him a high five and said good job we did all we could this cycle. He smiled and I know although he is far more laid back than I am about everything he wants this as much as I do.

ATTC #2…This is in my signature on my baby board along with my name, Rolston’s name, our ages and Brenton’s name and birth date accompanied by my chart link and the link to this blog. Right now we are ATTC #2 and someday that acronym might change to a name, a name we have already picked out and a birth date yet to be determined, but anxiously anticipated. I can’t wait to look back on my journey when we get our BFP, BIG FAT POSITIVE, test and eventually get to tell my new LO, little one, exactly how much we did because we just couldn’t wait for him or her to join our family!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Happy Mother's Day!

This was my second official Mother’s Day. My husband and I dispute if it counts while Brenton was still in utero. He says no and I clearly say yes. In any case no matter how many official Mother’s day celebrations I have had this one was my favorite so far. We are trying to conceive our second child and it has been a little stressful for me I must admit. This day reinforced for me that I love being a mother and my two special guys love and appreciate me no matter what day it is.

Saturday was a surprise bouquet of flowers in a glass vase from the local flower shop. I recently mentioned how if he ever decided to get me flowers I wanted them from that shop and he remembered. Sometimes it is not just the gesture of flowers themselves, but the sentimental value of simply remembering a small detail. When we were young he would get me a single red rose just because as well as for special occasions. It was consistent and special. It was our thing!

Sunday I got the best gift of all. Sleep. I was able to sleep in and then when I woke the baby was sleeping and Rolston greeted me with cards from both of them and a spa package that Brenton picked out especially for me. It was perfect.

Next was brunch. Bacon and eggs and fruit. My favorite way to start the day is the big meal with the family and the bacon came out perfectly too! Afterwards Brenton played with the card he got for me because it had pop up flowers and played a little tune. His favorite cards are the cards that play music. He loves to open and shut them. He shrieks with glee. Then we were off to the store to pick up crab legs for dinner. We wandered around picking up a few additions and then I grabbed some Starbucks from the drive thru in the same shopping center just in time for Brenton to get sleepy. When we got home he was off to dreamland and I was off to the nail salon.

When I got home he was still asleep for a bit, so I watched some HGTV without a toddler climbing on me. Our next event was a walk around town and some time at the park. He climbed the steps for the first time and went down the slide. Then he decide he would walk back up the slide and he was successful. He clapped for himself. We spent time on the swings and the best sound is the sound of laughter as I pushed him higher and higher. I am not sure who enjoyed it more!

We walked home smiling and a little tired from all the fun. Then we snuggled on the couch and watched Super Why and then just a little basketball for daddy since it is the playoffs after all. A quick dinner for the baby and then some dancing and singing then up the steps for a bath and off to bed for him. After such a busy day he went right to sleep in my arms and I looked at him and thanked him for making me a mommy and kissed him on the forehead before finally placing him in his crib.

Back downstairs for a feast of crab legs! We just chatted about the day and about being parents and how much fun it is to listen to Brenton laugh and shriek with excitement. I glanced at my beautiful flowers as I went to sit and watch Game of Thrones with a glass of red wine and thought about how wonderful my guys are to me. When I was getting ready to head to bed I hugged Rolston and said “Thank you for my special day, it was absolutely perfect. It was just what I wanted”. He smiled and said, “That’s good I am glad”. I am absolutely the luckiest girl in the world!!!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Watching From The Middle

Since our son is being cared for in our home by his father, he is rarely in large social settings with other children. He has occasionally gone to a La Leche League meeting with me but those children were older and he was not mobile yet. He has also been to family functions with older children and had one on one playtime with his friend Logan, so he is not totally isolated. Still, none of these settings really allowed him to show his personality as it emerged in a larger group.

Now that he can walk and get where he wants to be it is now fun to watch what happens when he is with other children. I tend to sit back and let him do what he would like to do as long as he isn’t getting into anything dangerous. We started music classes recently and at the demonstration session he went from a temper tantrum, to a calm child, to one who wanted to walk right to the middle and see what exactly was going on. He turned around to see everyone and take in what they were doing.

This is his way as of right now. He watches from the middle. It is an interesting combination of my husband’s natural tendency towards quiet observation and my need to be the center of attention.

It is difficult to tell if he is aware that he places himself in the center of a circle. I often find myself seated in the spotlight, so to speak, if there is certain lighting in a restaurant. This made me wonder if he is as drawn to the experience of being on stage as I am.

Now we have been to two music classes. Other children run and climb and jump and dance and shout with glee. Brenton rarely does those things. Instead he watches intently. Many of the other parents in the class and when we are out and about remark how intensely thoughtful and observant he seems to be.

He does have a very expressive face. It’s the eyebrows. They give him away. My son looks at me and claps his hands a few times and smiles when he is pleased that is about the most we get in large social settings.

Maybe as his verbal communication skills strengthen he will come out of his shell more and tell us what exactly he is observing and why he finds it so interesting. If you get my husband on a topic he enjoys he can talk for hours, but usually he is a quiet man. Unlike me, I am the talker in the family.

This weekend we went to a birthday party and again he went right to the middle and just stood there waiting for something to happen. Even with older children playing ball he endangered himself to get right into the thick of it. We held him back and he would head right back for the action.

I admire his resolve to head for the middle of the circle and his quest for knowledge. I call it brave. It makes me want to find more group activities for him, so he can explore not just his environment, but also himself. He is physically changing so much so fast and I wonder if I will see in him later what I see in him now. Will he still watch the world from the middle? I cannot help but to hope so because I imagine it will be quite a unique perspective.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Fear: An Evaluation

My little boy is not a big talker, at least not yet. As all children do, we have our well visits every few months to check growth and developmental progress. These visits have always produced some anxiety for me. To be honest many things produce anxiety when it comes to raising a child and some even provoke fear.

At his 15 month appointment I knew we would have to discuss his language development among many other things. He was still only saying “dada” for the most part. On occasion there were other “words” but none that were consistent. Mothers all know that by 15 months there should be at least 3 words. This is what the books and emails tell us and there were not and I reported this to the doctor.

He seemed unconcerned mostly since all other areas were within normal expectations, but advised that we obtain an evaluation from early intervention. After looking up the number online that same day I called and was greeted by a pleasant woman who took some basic information and explained we would receive a call do take the rest of the details and schedule the appointment. I took a long deep breath as I hung up the telephone.

It took some serious convincing that this was just an evaluation and if there was an issue he would just receive the help he needed to get back on track, but I got there eventually. Like my usual worst case scenario building extravaganza I ordinarily chose to put myself through, I ran through each awful prospect. Perhaps it is a need to prepare myself or remind myself that it was completely out of my control. Either way, I was afraid for him and for myself.

With society telling us how much we should fear in the world and even in our own homes and backyards, it isn’t any wonder when I put myself through the wringer wondering about the what ifs and could bes. It is exhausting and counterproductive and yet I do this to myself. Why? I truly believe it is a luxury and a curse of privilege.

When I imagine mothers of children who don’t have enough to eat or a place to live, a lightning bolt of guilt runs through me each time. I am lucky enough to not know what it is like to truly deeply fear for the wellbeing of my child. I try to remind myself of this feeling each time I run a worst case scenario through my mind. But the thing about fear is the irrational component that leaves us with that unsettled feeling we just cannot shake. So all we can do is keep going or allow it to cripple us.

So we keep going and I am happy to report that Brenton had his evaluation and all went well. His communication skills are low but within normal ranges. So we will attend a music class at the evaluator’s suggestion to spurn his language development.

Just last night I pointed to myself and said “mama” and pointed to him and said “Brenton” and he smiled and pointed to himself and said “Bretta”. In that moment immense joy and pride washed over me and filled my heart. That small amount of remaining fear I held onto even after I was told he would most likely be fine just melted away. My evaluation was complete.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

American Mom

I am an American mom. This is an admission of guilt. I joined Costco and got an American made crossover SUV in the same week. I am not sure how this happened to me. Even as a child of 1980s excess I have wanted nothing more than to live a simple life and raise socially conscious children.

I believe the French have it right and that when you have a baby you should get like a whole year off to care for and bond with your infant and take 6 week holidays with your family don’t get me wrong. Even the idea of local markets and buying just enough bread or cheese for the day remains appealing. However, somewhere along the line my other ideals have been modified to suit fundamentally American ways. You can call it an evolution, but in reality I have made some compromises. My absolutes are reformed.

I still hold some firm beliefs about certain things. For example did you know Costco carries a variety of organic food options as well as eco friendly options for detergent and dish soap? I did not. Until now and I buy those things. As such my trips to Whole foods have been cut dramatically.

I find myself asking questions about my relationship to consumerism and what I am teaching my son about life as I wander the huge aisles filled with food and other sundries. Am I telling him this is what we need? I hope not, but still the organic soy milk Brenton loves is sold there in bulk and it is shelf stable. I could not be more pleased with this find.

Also my crossover SUV gets pretty good gas mileage despite its size. I was selective and did many comparisons on the subject. I am nothing if not an educated American Mom consumer. This Honda fanatic ended up selecting…GASP…a Chevy! My primary concern was finding a big enough seat in the back to fit two rear facing baby seats. How times have changed.

I recall my first car. The 1979 Plymouth Volare monster of a car that got perhaps 5 miles to the gallon. I actually ran out of gas twice in one day. Then my Taurus that I blew up for lack of fundamental understanding of cars and oil changes. Onto my tiny red civic with only two doors that I drove for 14 years and swore I would drive until the wheels fell off. They almost did until I leased the new 4 door silver model. Now my crossover SUV is my newest vehicle. Red, shiny and new!

I admit I judged my brother and my cousins in their large SUVs with only 2 children. Who really needs all that? And now I do or I think I do enough to follow suit. I mean really how else will I fit rear facing convertible car seats or get all that organic soy milk home from Costco?

Now I wonder if this happens to everyone. Do our youthful ideals always transform? Do I still have a social conscience? Am I fundamentally changed for my recent decisions? I am left to wonder about the ramifications of these shifts, but I do accept my own self prescribed label of American mom. Maybe I should start baking apple pies.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Evolution

There comes a time when you stand back and marvel at how far your baby has come. For me happened a few weeks ago when I walked down the stairs and there was my son Brenton standing there wearing jeans and an argyle sweater and his little tiny sneakers. He looked like a little boy. He was no longer a baby but a toddler.

I asked my friend if that happens to her and she just said wait until he is 8. I wonder if it will still happen when he is my age now. Will I be struck by how he has grown and changed before my eyes?

I still remember when I held him for the first time and kissed his sweet little face. That moment is when I begin the journey of watching my baby grow up. I can't stop it and I don't want to. It is marvelous. It is a kind of perfection.

There are times I do not remember my childhood but my mother does. I wonder if that will happen to Brenton and to me. Will I be able to tell him about the time he whacked his face on the coffee table and gave himself a huge bruise on his right cheek? Or will I forget? Will I remember what it was like to watch him really learn to walk and how he did laps around the kitchen island like it was a race track?

I like to think I will keep note of every moment although I know that may not be possible. Even now memories come back smack me in the face and I am right back there. Like when he had his first steps, his first bee sting, his first smile, first poopie diaper and when he first said Dada. All bringing up different emotions they bring me joy and comfort for many different reasons. Whether it was how brave he was or how cute he was it was all a part of his journey and mine. Intertwined and connected yet separate while simple and complex is our evolution as mother and son.

Monday, January 7, 2013

The Beach

Every year for the past 10 years my family has spent the week after Christmas on Long Beach island. Despite the impact of hurricane Sandy this year was no exception. It was, however, different.

I was apprehensive to see the island. I have had survivors guilt about how unscathed we were by the storm when so many around us lost so much. I even forgot the tradition of mocking the phrase my mother said whenever we came over the bridge "I remember when Ron Jon's was just a shack."

Debris was piled in front of homes and businesses and due to the heavy rain the night prior to our arrival the streets were flooded.  The Wawa was closed. Both were closed. The Acme was empty. Shops and restaurants were not just closed for the season. The damage was no longer as evident as it once was, but you could feel it. It was different.

We arrived at the new rental which was the best one yet! My parents were waiting for us. It was grand and the water view was exquisite. It is my favorite part of our annual tradition. Looking at the water while we spend time together as a family. You could see as far as Atlantic City from the roof deck.

We began the unloading of baby gear. The playpen/gate, the pack and play, the large bag of toys, the portable high chair, the diapers, the wipes, the monitor, the sound machine and even the jumperoo. Somehow it all fit just like it did in the car. We were settled in.

The fun began with the arrival of my brother and his family. Polish food was the fare for dinner. The baby likes perogies. After dinner Brenton came into my mother's room with me while she unpacked. Just as he was standing looking at himself in the mirror it happened. He took two tiny baby steps all on his own.

It was magical. It was just what I wanted. "Wouldn't it be wonderful if he took his first steps at the beach?", my mother asked me at Christmas Eve dinner. I told her I was hoping he would. As always he did not disappoint.

Of course he did not do it again until we came home, but we had other special moments. He recognized the ocean as fascinating and made a bee line for it crawling so quickly I had to chase him. He dug in the sand in his fancy snowsuit my mother bought. He stood all by himself. He played with his cousin Carson. He played with his cousin Jason. We laughed. We ate. We took so many pictures.

As the days passed it happened as it always does. We relaxed. It was the perfect break from it all. And then after ringing in the New Year with a dinner out wearing our New Years hats and all the fanfare, it was time to go.

We packed the baby gear and it all fit. We headed out for one last meal together before heading back home to our separate lives. As we drove off the island I turned to my husband and put my hand on his leg and said, "I remember when Ron Jon's was just a shack."