I have always been an anxious person. I remember as a child feeling panic wash over me my blood pumping so hard it sounded like the ocean in my ears. My vision changed as if I was looking into a tunnel and I felt like I was in a dream world or perhaps I was dying. I was not certain but I knew I was afraid. I turned to my grandmother and asked her to pinch me because I felt like I was not real. I saw the confusion mixed with fear in her expression and the panic escalated. I pinched my own arm, hard and my breathing began to return to normal. The shock of the pain released me from my panic prison. In that moment I was no longer confined by fear.
The fear was present and could not be named for quite a long time in my life. The undercurrents remain. It stems from being the child of an alcoholic. There is an uncertainty associated with this family dynamic. My father at the center and all of us on eggshells not knowing how the evening would progress. Not every day was the same, but some days were not good and some days were bad.
It was a functional family in our own dysfunction. I created my own routines and put up walls of protection. Isolation drove anxiety, but so did openness. Finding a balance between chaos and control seemed helpful, but it never addressed the underlying causes. The root of it all was rotten and was eating at the rest of it slowly but steadily and nothing felt right and the fear continued to grow.
At 17 we finally all said enough as a family and we were seemingly ready for a change. We had so much to relearn. I was a newborn at 17 and I was completely terrified. I should be emerging as an adult, but instead I needed to restructure my sense of everything and the journey was incredibly painful, full of anger and resentment that I had spent so long trying to push down or control.
Those early years were so difficult for me as a young adult and I made a plethora of colossal mistakes because I did not know how to navigate the world. All the time I spent trying to isolate and control did not give me the tools I needed to thrive and so I didn’t thrive. It took me a very long time to pull up and out of what was familiar while becoming my own person. I was barely making it through each day. I was still confined by fear and also by guilt.
The guilt began to fade after my second full year of college and work. Still floundering in many ways, but I was doing the work of becoming something different than I was before. I felt more productive and that felt good even when it was difficult. Still a ball of anxious uncertainly, but I was on my own and I was learning about the world in ways I would later rely on to bolster my self-reliance.
So much happened so quickly that it felt like the blink of an eye. College graduation with high honors. My first real job. Friends and colleagues and so much fun. It was the fun I should have had in college, but I was too busy growing up and doing the hard things to make it all happen. It was my time! I was truly gathering the good and I felt like my career was moving in the right direction.
Then it happened, 2008 financial crisis and it came crashing down on me at first. I still remember September 16 so vividly. The uncertainty came back and so did the panic, but I wasn’t paralyzed by it. I was more resilient this time. I spent my time with positive people who were ready to face the challenge instead of hiding or running from it. We went to lunch together, we laughed and we kept going. This was where I started to learning the importance of positivity in dealing with my own stress and letting go of toxicity that pulls me away from success. The answers were not at my fingertips but they were more within reach than ever.
Just before the layoff the deal on my first house came through. Sometimes I am at my best during a crisis and that is a learned behavior from my childhood that was reinforced by my mother. This skill has been quite useful in life to be honest and I have gratitude even though it was born from codependence. I threw myself into the project and used the time I had to focus on the house and finding a new job. Many interviews later and after the house renovation was fully completed, I got a job.
Young and confident but wiser and more stable than I had ever been I emerged into my new role. Fake it until you make it was my motto and it worked well for me. Now more than 10 years, 3 children, a new house and a couple promotions later I am still in that job. It looks very different than when I started in terms of what I do and the scope of the role, but I am so happy with what I do.
Often I say how lucky I am for so many reasons. I do feel like that time has gone by in a flash and when I look back I see mostly the good things now. The birth of our children, the milestones shared, the birthdays and holidays celebrated, fun with friends, pool parties, trips to the beach, trips to Disney and everything in between all have given us so much for which to be grateful.
There were many hard times too. The death of my in laws 6 months apart and still at times feeling the depth of those losses. The seizures that stole my husband’s ability to drive for a year and my sense of security for even longer. The physical injuries he has suffered over the year that required recuperation and support. Fertility treatments to conceive our third child. Two of our three children with different special learning needs. Life is challenging there is no question about that at all. Life is far from perfect, but we have more than enough to sustain us.
Honestly I can still say that fear and anxiety is ever present, but so is my awareness of it. It wasn’t until I really acknowledged that undercurrent was there for me that I could begin to address the ramifications it has on me and those around me. It worsened after 2016 and then when I had my daughter it nearly consumed me. Then I got help and went on medication that is so vital for me to find balance again.
Now after almost a year in quarantine I can say I am coping fairly well. When I think of all the good things, it brings me joy. The deeper relationship my children have with my parents. Our dear friends who were able to be in our bubble with us. The friendships that have thrived in spite of distance and lack of in person contact. We have all found ways to stay connected and supportive. I started really embracing knitting and that soothes me. I am back to virtual meets with friends. My vaccine appointment is scheduled. Power was transitioned peacefully to a new administration. Yesterday I watched the first woman, a black woman, become vice president.
Today I feel optimistic. Gratitude for staying safe and healthy during this time abounds. Maybe I will actually hug people soon. Maybe I will eat in a restaurant with my husband for our anniversary. Maybe I will make it back to Disney World this year with my BFF and my family. In the meantime, I will leave my Christmas tree up and my outdoor decorations will change with approaching holidays, but the lights will keep shining. Hope is back again and I am no longer confined by fear.
