How Is This Possible?

My boys are 3 and 5 and in the fall both of them will be in school. They are getting so big and self sufficient. How is this possible?

They started life inside my body and came out squishy babies who could not even hold their heads up on their own. They needed me for everything. And now they don't.

Brenton is still my social butterfly. He wants to have everyone come over and play. He is sweet, kind and empathetic. He is truly concerned about others. He wants to help. He likes approval. Its good because everyone loves him.

Emerson is in a rough phase right now. He is really testing limits. He is strong willed. He is really brave and physically strong. He seems to live life on the edge right now just like how he stands on top of the play kitchen and looks like he might actually try to fly.

Brenton is into watching Power Rangers. He makes potions in the sink and gotten Emerson in on it too. He made the connection that when people die they go to a different dimension. I really like that notion and I am glad it brings him solace about Nanny. His complex thoughts astonish me.

Emerson can really count. I swear he can do basic math. Sometimes I think he might be an engineer or something. Both of them share a love of building. Legos bring hours of fun for them.

They play independently so beautifully. They also cooperate with one another. At times they go to war with each other and wrestle until there is a victor or someone yells for help or wails that they have been hit even if they may have actually been the one who started it. We try to be hands off with them and let them work it out independently together.

In spite of all the newly claimed independence they are both still reliant on me in some truly fundamental ways. Brenton needs a lot of guidance right now on right and wrong. He craves support. Occasionally he also needs a reminder to put his shoes on the proper feet and make sure his underwear is not on backward.

Emerson is still in pull ups and has a paci. He can't quite figure out he needs to take his shoes off before his pants and often ends up stuck and wailing about the stuckness.

Brenton ate spinach yesterday and broccoli today without whining. Emerson did not eat anything. We opted to allow applesauce and he mostly spilled that on the table for finger painting. He used to eat avocado and asparagus but now its really only fruit. How the roles change and reverse and change again.

Tomorrow we are getting a big wooden playset. I can't wait to see them playing. Climbing and sliding and swinging. Maybe they will let me help them up the rock wall. I can already hear them yelling "watch me".

All these things they do amaze me. Sometimes they frustrate me in the moment and occasionally I yell and don't understand their needs in the moment. But when I take a step back and look at our journey together as mother and sons, I am so lucky at how much they taught me in such a short time. I just ask myself how I ended up here. I am so grateful for them and I just cannot fathom how is this possible. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Self Care

For the past months I have been in full avoidance mode. Focusing only on myself, my family and important friendships to drown out the anxiety. There was a time I could participate in so many things and not feel the need to recoil back into myself to recharge. Those days are gone and now I habe found the importance of self care.

Having experienced a bit of a rollercoaster over the past few years or so I just let the ups and downs determine my mood. Sometimes I was happy and other times I was in a deep spiral of pure unadulterated misery. There was space in between as well but never constant. I never thought I needed to care for myself. In fact mostly I put myself last.

The changes to the world that made me comfortable with that cycle caused me to fully realize that everyone deserves better. I deserve better. That doesn't always mean the obvious is the best way to get better. Joy I once found in things shifted dramatically and I needed to shift as well.

Stress and anxiety had become the new normal even prior to the catalyst that caused me to turn more inward. So many people around me were also struggling and I did not know how to help them when I couldn't even help myself. My fake it until you make it strategy was failing me.

In the harsh reality that me and my well adjusted mostly happy self needed to do something differently was a bit of a shock. But the bottom line is I don't want to take out my struggles on those around me. I wanted to do something productive.

Here is a list of the things I have done differently in an attempt at self care.

1. The gym or the ultimate mood enhancer. But I quit cardio mostly because I never really liked it. Instead I do weights, yoga and old lady water aerobics. I am finding out how powerful I can feel trying something new and in public.

2. Enjoying my work travel and making it about me being out of my usual routine. In the past I let guilt about travel taking me away from the boys not allow me to fully enjoy it. This last trip I went to the gym and the pool and got a big burger and fries. I watched TV I wanted to watch and got a good nights sleep. It felt indulgent.

3. Taking charge of my desire for another baby. We have everything ready to take that to the next level. Admitting to myself how much I want this is painful at times but much needed so I can fight for it. If I don't do everything I can, I know it will fill me with regret.

4. Buying myself and others just a few fun things and really creating an experience in some cases. Retail therapy can be really soothing. In the beginning I focused on active wear for my gym obsession. I have splurged on the kids and Rolston and even my friends at times. For our 10th anniversary we are going to NYC and seeing Hamilton and making a full weekend out of it. In October I am taking the bestie to see Bette Midler who she adores in Hello Dolly. It has brought me great joy to make people including myself truly happy about something we will share.

5. Giving new things a shot. I am not a reader. My ADD has always made it harder for me to keep focus. I am easily distracted by shiny things and interesting people. So I tried audio books. I have gotten some really useful parenting strategies and learned new things in general. I also got into a design app that I love, a few new Netflix shows and embracing meal delivery services. The last one was a flop but I tried. I felt good about trying. We are going on our first real family vacation next week. We usually just go to my parents or they tag along on a work trip but this is 4 days at the beach for spring break.

None of these things have taken me away from my true self but rather enhanced it. The new approach allowed me to experience old things in a new way and new things from a place of comfort. I desperately needed a fresh perspective. And the truth is sometimes I find myself overscheduled and underappreciated and feeling spent and anxious. That is the time I try to find something that allows me to take just a small moment for a little self care.