For the past year and a half, I didn't write anything. I thought about what I would write but never did. I felt like time got away from me in ways I couldn't explain. My life was flying by and it wasn't bad it was just busy. It is still busy. I find myself trying to fit so many things into each day.
Whether it's two competing tasks at home or at work or three needy children who require a lot of help, I am always in the middle of doing something. Some days I feel the pull so hard I almost break. Then other days I find myself in between sinking into the love around me that the three kids bring and back again to the breaking point of the demands of it all.
In the in between a dear friend's daughter was diagnosed with cancer. My best friend lost her Poppy to cancer. Another dear friend's husband was diagnosed with glioblastoma. It was a rocky time accepting how precious life can be and how hard it can be to prioritize what is really important.
Can I be sad about a hole in my pool liner when someone has cancer? Am I allowed to feel gratitude for my family being complete when others are struggling to keep theirs together in times of despair. What do I do with all of this and how do I focus on the present? I was swirling. I felt lost and alone. It was overwhelming to manage the day to day not just in the face of the day to day but the bigger questions too.
The friend whose daughter was facing cancer helped me to help my daughter learn to sleep. The best friend who lost her dear Poppy to cancer reminded me of my own strength through hers. Still I felt so uncertain of myself and that I was being a good mother.
I joke with my friends who are mothers about it now but before I became a mother no one really explained that these feelings were common. That these tiny humans could need more at times than I felt capable of giving and put me in a place of being on the verge of tears or screaming with rage. The anger I was experiencing was actually anxiety coming out of my pores. Except, I didnt know it.
During a routine visit with my doctor she asked me a few new questions. My blood pressure was up and again on the verge of tears I explained I was not feeling the best. She inquired about sleep and the new baby I had and the demands of my life. I answered and she also asked about past history of depression and anxiety. I explained when I was younger I dealt with what I termed the darkness. I said but I am not that bad and that I did not feel like I was in that place.
She said kindly that I might not want to wait until I found myself there and to try to catch it in the in between before it overtakes me. She asked me about medication. Options in front of me, I decided to take the pill. She praised my bravery.
That same day I took the 5mg of Lexapro. Below the regular therapeutic dose, but for me it was like flipping a switch. The fear that gripped me melted away. A freedom washed over me that I didn't need to have all the answers in each and every moment. I could let go of the little things because I could finally see them as small.
In the months that followed I was able to be more present without fear and a lot of things fell to the side. I prioritized friendships and time as a family. The things that seemed less important took a backseat. I scheduled our first real family vacation. We spent time with my parents at their new house.
Still life was not fully settled. Emerson was in prek, Brenton in first grade and Harper was a baby. It was a tough year schedule wise since prek was afternoons and Harper was still taking 2 naps and Brentons schedule was very different. It was hard. Work was demanding and although the anxiety was mostly gone I was still learning to manage 3 kids and work with a new manager I might add.
Then Harper turned a year old and I had the princess party for my sweet girl. It was everything I wanted for her amd for myself. It was the pretty pink sparkly day of my dreams. She was walking and saying words and hating cupcakes. The icing was just ok and she didnt love the singing. But she was a whole year old and the day came and went.
Emerson turned 5 less than two months later. He was so proud of himself. He had a glow party at the bounce place just like he wanted and everyone said it was a great party. His best friends were there and all of his "cousins".
Then I was on the road. Nine training sessions in a month and a half. And that began my return to the working traveling mom. Travel was easy now with the lessened anxiety. I enjoyed the time away and even more the returns home. Emerson struggled with my absence the most and my mother filled the gap in between with her presence.
May brought the beginning of summer and the opening of the pool and this time with a new liner. My favorite time of the year. Work continued to be demanding but the time with the kids at home was what I needed as the routine of the year gave way to the start of summer.
The largest intern class and the most diverse ever was here and I was in Charlotte for a whole week to welcome and train them. It was everything about my job that I love. I felt grounded and competent. I wore new clothes and statement necklaces and did things that were out of my comfort zone but still within my wheelhouse.
Then it was back to facilitating one of my favorite training sessions. The feedback was positive and I heard through the grapevine that it was making a difference in day to day work. A goal of mine professionally. I felt immense gratitude for having a job I truly enjoy and that fulfills me.
My friendships were thriving. The ones I truly hold dear. The others fell to the back and some fell away entirely. I told people how much they meant to me openly. I felt good about who I chose and who kept choosing me.
Some choices I made helped me and others still hold me back. I struggle with certain aspects of being a balanced actualized human. I still drink too much wine, eat too much sugar and salt, dont work out and have a shorter fuse than I would like to have. My relationship with my husband is strained but improving. I am working on it all or some of it anyway. Priorities.
All I know is, I no longer feel stuck. I dont feel trapped in the in between. I feel comfortable in the things I do well and I am aware of my opportunities and challenges. I am empowered to work on things I dont do well yet. Best of all the anxiety that once engulfed me entirely has melted away like an early morning snowfall on a spring day.
September has arrived and the boys are in 2nd and K and finally on the same schedule or close enough to normalize our broader lives. My calendar is very full and so is my heart. I have an older son who is beloved, creative and working hard in school and a middle child who is finding his way and is so strong willed, sweet and brave and a toddler who knows exactly what she wants even when we may not. She can even tell Alexa to play baby shark.
It is not all perfect and it is not always everything I imagined but I have so much gratitude for all the wonderful people in my life and especially my beautiful family. In my opinion although I am highly biased, I am the luckiest girl in the world!
