Thursday, August 7, 2014

Overwhelmed

As a working woman and financial provider, wife to a wonderful man who is a stay at home dad and the mother of two young children, I find myself almost constantly overwhelmed in some way. First I am overwhelmed by the amount of love I have for these two beautiful creatures born from my body. Taking nothing for granted in each moment, I know that this love is the most powerful thing I have ever experienced. It brings me to tears regularly. Emotion is raw especially in the first few months post partum. I am overtaken at times by the power of what I am feeling.

Throwing changes into the mix has been emotionally overpowering as well, but in many different ways. Giving birth. Moving. Renovating. Going back to work. More renovating. Organizing. Settling down. Finding routine again and feeling some relief even as the changes continue. I am overwhelmed by the changes in my surroundings and my circumstances.

Being the mother of two is different than being the mother of one. There is a sense that there is less of me to go around and it is irrepressible at time. Worries about my divided attention not only between them but throw in work and other tasks, the feeling can be enormous in the moments when everything feels like it is crumbing before me into a heap. The other day as I was on a conference call for work in my home office while the baby screamed through the wall with my husband attempting to comfort him prior to his nap and the workman were nailing down our master bath sub floor. It was a constant borage of activity that left me reeling. In the memory of it I still feel panicked and exhausted by the uncontrollable enormity of the moment. All I wanted was for it to stop and to be alone, but it was impossible.

No longer free to pick up and go without worries about the last nursing session or pumped milk, a stocked diaper bag, a change of clothes, snacks or toys. Losing some of the independence I once knew and realizing the trip to the grocery store when I am alone can be a liberating experience is a compelling notion. I am bound to the ways of tiny humans with my once flowing long hair pinned in a pony or bun to avoid the grasp of tiny yet powerful fingers. I would not change it, but I cannot deny that it has changed me.

Even when I am alone I am reminded that they are the most important people with each step as I shop. Carefully remembering the squeezies and the soy milk and bananas and raisins, I forget the reason I came to the store in the first place was to get something for myself. Remembering the probiotics for my husband and the sweets, I still search the aisles for something that I can no longer place. This is the reason moms make lists, but in my rush to get out and back before the baby woke again to nurse the list was not a priority.

So I wandered the aisles and somewhere I found what I was looking for. It was a moment of peace and solitude. Taking a deep breath I slowed my pace and began to enjoy the moment. And then I remembered…avocados!

This is what I now know about being overwhelmed. When I am overwhelmed I need to stop. Just a pause because that pause can allow for things I never imagined to happen in just a moment. I can breath and I can relax and I can see why what seems so large isn’t large at all but rather fleeting. Taking that pause, that breath, is essential because if I don’t I am worthless to those around me, but also to myself.

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